


Délires

by Aglardes



Category: SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: Bisexuality, Discrimination, Guilt, I'm sorry Joshua, Jeonghan, JiHan, Joshua - Freeform, Longing, Lost friendship, M/M, Male Homosexuality, Oneshot split up in three shorter chapters, Romance, Seventeen - Freeform, Smut, Threeshot, dealing with FEELINGS, first chapter kinda depressing, jisoo - Freeform, junghan, then it gets better, well kinda but there is implicit and explicit sex
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-09-15
Updated: 2015-12-21
Packaged: 2018-04-20 22:07:58
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 24,875
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4803992
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Aglardes/pseuds/Aglardes
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>He’s sitting on a cold and messy floor and the woman offers him a glass. So he takes it, and she fills it to the brim with some red liquid. A poisonous kind of scarlet red. It looks dangerous. She tells him to drink it, and he obeys. When the first droplets slide down his throat, he can feel his body become heavier. He’s losing control. He likes it.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Joshua

**Author's Note:**

> "J'ai avalé une fameuse gorgée de poison. - Trois fois béni soit le conseil qui m'est arrivé ! - Les entrailles me brûlent. La violence du venin tord mes membres, me rend difforme, me terrasse. Je meurs de soif, j'étouffe, je ne puis crier. ... Et ce poison, ce baiser mille fois maudit ! Ma faiblesse, la cruauté du monde ! ... Pitié, cachez-moi, je me tiens trop mal ! - Je suis caché et je ne le suis pas.
> 
> I have just swallowed a terrific mouthful of poison. - Blessed, blessed, blessed the advice I was given! - My guts are on fire. The power of the poison twists my arms and legs, cripples me, drives me to the ground. I die of thirst, I suffocate, I cannot cry. ... And this poison, this eternally accursed embrace! My weakness, and the world's cruelty! ... Have pity, hide me, I can't control myself at all! - I am hidden, and I am not."  
> -Rimbaud, En saison en enfer, As translated by Paul Schmidt, and published in 1976 by Harper Colophon Books, Harper & Row.
> 
> On Apr 25, 2014, DZoieSM asked me to write a rated Jihan oneshot for her. I eventually started, wrote one page in July of that same year, but then lost inspiration. After reading these beautiful lines by the French poet Rimbaud, I got inspired again, after more than a year. The oneshot is nearly finished now. I am terribly sorry for the long delay, and I hope she'll be able to enjoy this now (if she hasn't forgotten about her request yet that is.)

 

Hello there!  I am actually not completely finished with this, but I wrote 10500 words already. Seeing my usual oneshots (on AFF) are around 2000 words, I thought it would be better to divide this story in three shorter chapters. However, the thing **is**  meant and written as a oneshot.  
This first chapter is the most depressing of the three, because Joshua is struggling quite a lot with his feelings. That changes in the second one, so if you dislike angst/ can't cope with negative thoughts (but nothing too bad; he isn't suicidal or anything of the sort!) then I'd advise you to kindly go away...

(Thanks so much @Princessofthenight for pointing out my mistakes!)

Also: This story is very dear to me. It contains (too) much of my personal feelings. (Not the whole 'being-in-love-with-a-guy-part of course, as I am a girl, but I just took the emotions I felt at different situations and put them in this. (I am not depressed however! :P) Anyway, because of this reason I'd like you not to comment if you disliked this, because it could hurt me more than you think. If you disliked this, then please just do not comment. (Or wait to give the second part a chance? Like... that would be pretty nice.) But I've talked more than enough now. One last thing: I AM SO SORRY JOSHUA. Please don't ever read this XD  
Okay. Let's start.

* * *

_The Present_  
The moment Joshua laid eyes on him again, he was shocked. Then he blamed the alcohol for making The Other appear in broad daylight.

He felt… weird. Happy. Brave. Different.  
The world around him had changed. He had changed. Everything seemed so much brighter suddenly, yet less clear. Did that make sense? He didn’t know. His head spun but he didn’t mind. This was what he had been longing for. Ever since that night.  
Ever since that dream.  
 

_The Dream_  
He’s sitting on a cold and messy floor. It’s dark. Outside- He can see through the broken windows of the room he has found himself in- and inside. There are cobwebs on  the walls, on said floor and on the ceiling. It’s supposed to be scary, he knows that, but he’s not afraid. Should he?  
Not at all. The darkness feels safe. Somehow.  
There’s this woman… in front of him. There’s also a guy, but Joshua can’t see his face. It’s not that important either.  
This unknown guy is walking around the room and Joshua doesn’t have the slightest idea who he is, or who the woman is, but he doesn’t care.  
Then, swiftly, the woman offers him a glass. He has no idea where she has gotten it from, but he takes it, and so she fills it to the brim with some red liquid.  
A poisonous kind of scarlet red. It looks dangerous. 

She tells him to drink it, and he obeys. When the first droplets slide down his throat, he can feel his body becoming heavier. He’s losing control. He likes it.

The unknown guy comes closer and drops to the floor, next to Joshua. The woman, on the other hand, stands up and leaves the room. ‘He’s all yours, sweetheart,’ she says before closing the oak door. And maybe she’s saying it to the both of them.

The unknown guy sits down on his knees and places a hand on Joshua’s forehead. ‘You feel hot’, he remarks with a smile. Joshua doesn’t answer him. It feels like there’s a soft, safe fire burning inside of him. It’s warm, but it doesn’t hurt. It’s making him relaxed. And especially tired.  
Suddenly, all he wants is sleep. To close his eyes and surrender to the alluring heat.  
  
The unknown guy grabs his shoulders softly and slowly pushes him down, until he’s lying, stretched out, on the cold floor. Joshua doesn’t move. His eyes aren’t fully opened anymore, and he knows he’s supposed to fall asleep any moment now, like how people usually know things in dreams they are not supposed to know . Yet the presence of the other prevents him from doing so. A soft hand touches, caresses his cheek and he feels so… loved. It’s an unexplainable feeling, but it’s pretty. Can a feeling be pretty? Feeling loved is a pretty feeling.

The unknown guy whispers his name, and then, suddenly, kisses him. Joshua’ s mind somehow understands that what the other is doing to him is wrong, but he decides not to pay attention to it. There’s this softness and he craves it..., and the other is giving it to him so why should he object?  
The unknown guy is hovering above him. Like an animal watching his prey, dangerously focused.  
But Joshua is not scared. His hand reaches for the other’s left cheek. He touches it carefully, like he’s afraid to get bitten or maybe break him. Joshua can’t see it perfectly, but he feels how the other guy is smiling at him. ‘Joshua… Joshua. You are beautiful’. He tells him.

Joshua sighs. He feels so safe. ‘More’, he begs as soon as the other’s lips leave his own. ‘More…’  
And so the other embraces him completely and even though the guy is lying on a cold floor, it feels more like he’s lying on the warm sand of a beach in summer. ‘Ah’ he says softly when the other starts undoing his clothes, because he feels like he understands everything yet he doesn’t. His own hand slips underneath the shirt of the other. The fabric feels expensive somehow, but he doesn’t think about that for too long because there is skin beneath it. Then he hesitates to touch it, like he needs to ask permission for what he’s about to do, but at the same time, he craves it so badly.  
The other sighs however, and tells him: ‘You can do what you want to do. There are no rules tonight.’ And so the boy does. He touches him and the feeling is wonderful because it feels so new and like he… deserves this in a way. Like the other is the prize he got from doing something good. But he can’t remember what exactly he did in order to earn this. He decides not to mind. Nothing matters. Because he’s here. And he has the other. Like the other has him. They touch each other and forget and remember everything. They are the world and the world is them. They cry and beg because they need to feel the other more and more and more and … just touching isn’t enough anymore and so they kiss every place they can reach and when that too isn’t enough anymore they proceed to another level.  
And even though Joshua is acting more submissive, he’s the one to rule the other when the latter asks him for permission and Joshua grants it like the king he is in this dusty place. ‘There are no rules tonight’, he says, copying the words of the other. And again he feels the other boy smile. ‘Yes… no rules at all. Just us.’  
And Joshua nods and then they become one and the boy realises he never understood to the correct extent just how lonesome he was before, because he has never felt so complete in his whole life. He gasps, out of breath, when he understands how much he needs this. ‘Yes’, the other sighs, ‘Yes’ and he explains himself no further but Joshua comprehends him nonetheless because they are alike.

They are alike. So alike.

  
_ Two months before The Present _

After the dream the boy had woken up with a scream and then silently cried because he had this terrible feeling of having lost something very important. And it was only after doing that, that he realised just what exactly his dream had been about. Then he noticed the empty alcohol bottle lying on the floor of his bedroom. The link between the two was not that hard to find and so he tried to calm himself down by telling alcoholic dreams meant nothing, because after all, _they were dreams_.  
His mind had mixed things up because his most recent girlfriend had just dumped him and-

He shook his head. He couldn’t lie about _that_ fact; that _he_ had been the one to dump _her_. After all, he had been the one who couldn’t give her the love she deserved and so he had let her go. And if he was being _totally_ honest with himself, he had to admit he felt very guilty that he had taken so much of her time pretending to love her and make her as happy as possible. She could have spent that time with someone who would really treasured her, and that thought made him feel honestly bad.  
Yet...  she had been the one who had thrown herself at him, telling him how much she liked his smile and personality and oh- _wouldn’t he please go out with her?_ \- to give her a chance. And that chance he had granted to her, accompanied by a single warning – ‘I am not really sure whether I will be able to love you wholeheartedly, are you fine by that?’ that she had shaken off without listening.

Joshua couldn’t lie about that other fact either; that he had truly liked her company. That he had liked the feeling of someone liking him. And he had even enjoyed their kisses and touches, but never once had he fully forgotten about that lingering feeling that was telling him he was taking advantage of her. So the day before, he had finally brought it to an end, wishing her the happiness she deserved, just not with him at her side. She had thrown herself in his arms, whispering about how she thought she had managed to melt his frozen heart, about how she thought they had really fallen in love with each other. She had cried as well, and Joshua had hugged her, because it felt like the right thing to do at the time. And with a shaking voice and trembling body, she had carefully asked him if everything they had had, had been meaningless for him. So he had shaken his head and comforted her, because at least that question, he could answer truthfully.  
‘No. No, it wasn’t meaningless.’  
Because it hadn’t been.

She had whispered a ‘Thank you,’ in his ear, and left and he had stared at her until he had seen her silhouette disappear at the horizon and he had known he had lost her completely. It had been the same with the other girls too, before her. No matter how much he had tried to love them, he never really managed to give them his all. Nonetheless, he had cared for them, had played the role of the ideal boyfriend, covered them in presents and sweet words, given them romantic nights together- it wasn’t like he was unable to go to bed with them, but making love was not the term that should have been used to describe it- and listened to their troubles with endless patience. But there had always been this emptiness that couldn’t be filled, no matter how hard he tried. And because he knew the horror of seeing your loved one become distant right in front of your eyes, he had always broken up with them, because they didn’t deserve to feel the same pain, the same emptiness as him. Yet he fully understood he was already being cruel by not rejecting them from the start. But he couldn't give up on the idea of maybe finding the right girl if he waited long enough for love to grow from his side as well. He couldn't put aside the idea of finding a girl he would be able to really fall in love with. Yet he knew it was also because he was simply too afraid of being alone that he always gave the girls a 'yes' as answer. Hence leaving many of them with holes in their hearts. And since he knew that feeling well; the feeling of having a hole in your heart, he would never forgive himself.

                                                                                                         ♦

Joshua looked at the empty bottle beside his bed and scratched his head, because he couldn’t even remember he had drunk the night before. But on the other hand, he could imagine himself feeling so sick of guilt because of her tears, that he had grabbed a bottle from the little cupboard in his kitchen. He didn’t have a lot of alcohol in his apartment, had never been a heavy drinker- actually, he never drunk at parties, only when he was in his apartment, alone- and wanted to forget about something. And then realisation _really_ hit him. His partner in the dream had been a guy.  
  
It couldn’t be, he thought. Not _again._

Not after the price he had paid for it. Not after everything he had given up for it. It couldn’t be-  
It just couldn’t.

Still lost in thoughts, he got out of his bed and walked straight into his shower. His apartment was so little that the bathroom was practically a part of his bedroom. When the cold water hit him, he realised he was still wearing his clothes and nearly cursed. Things like that happened way too often lately. He was always so absent-minded. With a sigh, he turned off the water and undressed. After hanging the clothes on the closest heater, hoping they would dry that way, he stepped back into the shower. And even though the cold water had totally woken him up, he still couldn’t get the dream out of his mind while washing and cleaning himself up.

There had been a guy in the past after all. A guy who had meant the world to him. Yet, Joshua wouldn’t describe what he had felt for him back then, as love. They hadn’t been lovers either. The younger him had never really realised just how important that guy had been to him. Then he moved away and…

... the boy couldn’t lie about that fact either; that he fully realised the emptiness had begun only after that. But thinking back, he thought that somehow- maybe- he deserved it. Maybe the emptiness was a righteous punishment for what he had done. For his denial.  
Because he couldn’t lie about this last fact either, namely that he had been fully aware of the other’s feelings. His confession had been clear enough, and so had Joshua’s reaction been as well. Back then he had not known yet how much emptiness could hurt.

_Four years before The Present_  
'I like you,' Junghan told him and Joshua couldn't help but think about how weirdly easy that sounded. 'I like you.'

Three simple words, yet enough to shake someone’s world completely. It didn’t exactly shake his though. After all, Junghan’s feelings had been no secret for him. His best friend might have thought that he had been able to hide it from him perfectly, but Joshua had always been able to unravel him quite easily. The ‘accidental’ touches and messages, the staring gazes, the jealous glances… Joshua wondered just why Junghan still believed he didn’t know before. It had almost been like he had been doing it on purpose, hoping Joshua would notice him.

‘Jisoo?’  
Upon hearing his Korean name, Joshua tried to clear his mind and gave his best friend a smile. He had to do this. Maybe that, if Junghan hadn’t been so unsubtle about it, Joshua wouldn’t have gotten so much time to carefully think about an answer. Maybe things could have been different.  
Yet they were not.  
‘Yes?’ He asked, like he didn’t know what Junghan was expecting from him.  
He stared at his best friend. Junghan was wearing his favourite shirt and his short dark brown curls were styled neatly. It made him look vulnerable, yet he was trying to smile.  
And Joshua felt like the devil because he knew he would be the one to take that smile away.

‘I… I mean it in a romantic way, you know. I know we are both guys and I know this is nearly impossible and could hurt our friendship, but,’ he paused shortly and Joshua started to feel more uncomfortable by every word,’ I- I just had to say it. I felt like I was lying to you and… I don’t even know what I’m trying to accomplish by admitting this, but I guess I at the very least didn’t want you to see me as a liar.’ He finished and tore his gaze away, probably ashamed.  
Joshua embraced him. Doing that, shouldn’t do any harm, he thought.  
‘I know.’ He softly said and he felt how Junghan tried to get away from his arms after hearing those words, yet he didn’t let him go.  
‘You… knew?’  
‘Yeah. And I’m sorry.’ Joshua added.  
Junghan immediately understood what that meant. Of course he did. The two of them had been friends for so long, from the moment Joshua had arrived in Korea as a little child- still often mixing up his Korean and American accidently- and because of that bond they understood each other better than their own parents did.  
It sounded like a cliché, but just because clichés are clichés they can be truthful sometimes.

Junghan then successfully managed to get away from his friend. Shaking his head, he told Joshua not to feel sorry. ‘I didn’t expect any other answer anyway.’  
Joshua noticed how he was desperately trying to hold his tears back. His friend didn’t cry often.

It hurt. His friends tears were all his fault. Yet he was doing the right thing. He... He somehow was still sure of that. And so he finally said the words he had been repeating for months in his mind, been holding in, and been pained by. ‘I… Junghan, I don’t want to end our friendship, but I –I’m not going to say I like you back either.’  
He sighed. He hadn't been expecting it to go easy, but neither this hard. ‘It’s not that I don’t feel anything for you at all... You’re my best friend, and I’ve never found anyone who was so alike to me and understood me so well, so I think I might eventually be able to fall in love with you, if you keep this up, but I… I just don’t want to, Junghan. I’m afraid. I don’t want to be like that,’ He paused again.

What he was saying was the truth; because he had felt so conscious of Junghan during those past months, he had even caught himself wanting to try kissing and touching the other out of mere curiosity- to know what it would be like-  a few times before and he knew that those thoughts would possibly - eventually- evolve into more.  
Or... maybe he even did like the other in that way already. _When do you know you’re in love? When you don’t want to be separated from the other and the idea of doing sexual stuff with him doesn’t scare you? When you feel like you can’t be apart from that person and nobody understands you better?_ Because then he was in love already. He didn’t know. That definition seemed too easy. There also weren't any real butterflies.  
Another of those clichés. Truthful? He didn’t know either. Was he supposed to?  
  
‘I know you’re brave enough, Junghan, but I am not.’ He said instead. ‘My parents… they would be so disappointed if they knew I was in a relationship with you. Our friends would hate us. I.. I just don’t want to disappoint them all this way.’  
Junghan interrupted him with a hug. Being the one in the others’ arms this time made Joshua feel a little uneasy. He wasn’t the one supposed to be comforted.  
‘Shh, Jisoo. I understand. You’re not willing to give everything up for me. I don’t expect you to.’  
The way he said it, made Joshua feel even more guilty. ‘It’s not like that’, he wanted to say, but how there was no way he could.... because Junghan was horribly right. He remained silent.

‘You know, actually there was a reason why I had to tell you this now…’ Junghan continued instead and sighed, obviously gathering his courage and Joshua just knew his friend was going to say something really bad and he didn’t want to hear it. But he also knew he had to listen, because it seemed important to his friend, and after his previous rejection, he wasn’t able to deny Junghan anything.  
‘My parents… they decided to move to New York and I’m going as well. I just felt like I had to tell you the truth before we left.’ Junghan said and Joshua saw his world crumbling down.  
It was a lie, had to be a lie, and –

‘No!’ He protested and he didn’t realise he had buried his face in Junghan’s chest but he had.. Suddenly all he felt was anger. He didn’t even know to whom it was aimed, but he felt like he really wanted- needed- to break something. The idea of his best friend leaving was just unbearable. The idea of him making new friends and being happy with someone else gave him dark thoughts and when he realized he was acting unreasonable, he became silent all of a sudden.  
What was he _doing?_  
  
Junghan was leaving.  
 

He wouldn’t allow it.  
He escaped from Junghan’s arms and stuttered out the first argument that came to his mind. ‘Y-you don’t even know English!’

Junghan laughed bitterly at that. ‘Oh, Joshua, did you forget you taught me?’ He said it in English, and though his accent made it sound weird, it was perfectly understandable and at that moment Joshua truly wished he could turn back time to the moment he had started teaching him. And then he became totally desperate. ‘I- I- what if I told you I loved you after all? Would you stay?’  
This time, Junghan was the one backing away. ‘Jisoo,’ he said in Korean and the words sounded soft and harsh at the same time, ‘I don’t want your pity. And I don’t want you to throw yourself at me for such a selfish reason either. Don’t you see that this is the best for both of us?’  
Joshua didn’t want to listen. He knew he was being unfair, but the thought of losing Junghan scared him deathly.  
‘I will be able to forget you and you won’t have to worry about your reputation.’ Junghan concluded and the fear and love in his words was audible and it confused Joshua so much. Why did he want to leave when he loved him? It didn’t make any sense to him. Nothing was making sense anymore.  
  
Junghan was leaving.

‘You… We… We will keep in touch, right? You will mail me, won’t you?’ He begged, still unable to fully grasp the meaning of Junghan’s words. He didn’t want to. Something in his mind told him he was acting childish and that he had to man up but he couldn’t. Though he was a silent and rather cautious person normally, he just didn’t manage to calm down now. ‘It’s not the end of the world’, he tried to assure himself, but all his words and reasons became useless when Junghan gave him yet another blow:  
‘I… I would rather not, Jisoo. You know I like you; our talks won’t be like before. And if I want to forget you, I think it would be better if we don’t talk to each other anymore. At least not for now,’

‘But we are best friends!’ Joshua tried a last time, and he didn’t care about how he sounded like a stupid teenage girl from a badly written novel or tv- series.  
After that, it seemed like  the despair had infected Junghan as well. His voice sounded high and shrill. ‘But to me you aren’t! I want to do things to you I’m too ashamed of to even talk about! Why won’t you understand? It’s not like I- like I wanted to feel this way for you! And yet, you’re here, begging me to stay after rejecting me, making things so much more difficult while all I wanted was forget, forget about everything I’ve ever wanted to do to you. Do you – do you even have any idea just how guilty I’ve been feeling? Just how much it hurt me to be unable to tell you, to be unable to tell everyone?’  
He stopped, to get some air, and Jisoo placed a hand on his best friend’s shoulder. The boy didn’t know what to feel anymore. He had never fully considered just how lonely Junghan must have been feeling, locking up his secrets inside and… What was he supposed to feel now? He was not even sure if he was still capable of feelings at all. All he had wanted was to reject Junghan as friendly as possible and turn back to their every day’s lives. Now all he could do was feeling empty.

Junghan covered the other’s hands on his shoulder with his own hand. He was still not crying, but Joshua knew he wanted to. He probably felt too proud to show his best friend- and crush- his tears.  
‘Hey’, Junghan said, just ‘Hey’ and it sounded stupid on a moment like this and they both realised it.  
‘Do… do you seriously think I want to leave you, Jisoo?’ He asked, ‘ Because I don’t. If I’m being completely honest with myself, all I want is to stay with you.’ He stopped and then he carefully added: ‘But being honest is the hardest part, isn’t it? You should know that better than me by now.’ And Joshua wasn’t sure if he meant that last part as an insult or not, but did it matter?

It didn’t. Junghan was leaving anyway.

Then his best friend bent down and pressed his lips on Joshua’s own and Joshua just allowed it to happen like that, unable to move, like some statue, and felt nothing. Yes, Junghan’s lips were soft. Yes, the touch lingered on his lips when the other pulled away. But it wasn’t magical at all; unlike the books he liked to read tried to tell it's readers. There were no butterflies in his stomach; because all what was left was emptiness. He saw Junghan walking away, but he didn’t chase him and continued standing there motionlessly. Everything felt so unreal. He… he just didn’t understand.

  
_Two months before The Present- Part II_  
Sometimes he got angry, thinking back. They had been only fifteen at the time, four years ago, and now he saw things in an entirely different light, but he still got angry anyway. And not at Junghan, though he couldn’t deny that he was angry at the other either- for a totally different reason though- but mostly at himself. If he, back then, hadn’t acted so cowardly and told Junghan to tell him about his worries from the moment he first had discovered his secret, maybe Junghan wouldn’t have chosen to move away with his parents and stayed with his remaining family members in Korea. Or maybe that wouldn't have been enough either. Maybe, if he had accepted him, had tried it out then... maybe Junghan would have stayed. Back then however, rejecting Junghan had seemed like the one and only right option, because his parent’s happiness came first to him. It still did, but…

He didn’t know which excuses he was trying to make. The truth was that _if_ he could go back to that moment, he would have done the exact same thing.    
Because living a lie was way more easy.  
                                                                                                                  ♦

Hair still wet but fully dressed up, Joshua walked towards his kitchen, decided to skip breakfast-he didn’t feel that well, probably a result of the alcohol of the previous day- and prepared a lunchbox. After putting said lunchbox in his backpack, together with the books he would need at university, he put on an extra sweater and left his apartment. As he had been expecting, he met Seungcheol, his current best friend who lived in the same building, downstairs. Though he had never asked the older guy to wait for him every morning, Seungcheol had been doing so ever since they had discovered they lived this close to each other. His friend wore a happy smile on his face upon looking at his phone and Joshua suspected it meant things were going really well between  Seungcheol and his girlfriend, Minji. They were a beautiful couple, and Joshua was honestly happy for them. Though he sometimes wondered why he couldn’t find happiness like that. Maybe he just didn’t deserve it.

‘Hi. Hi, hyung.’ Joshua greeted him and his friend put his phone away, almost like he felt guilty. It was adorable somehow, Joshua thought.  
‘Mornin’ dude- oh wow, just what happened to you? You look like you’ve seen a corpse or something like that.’ Seungcheol greeted him back, eyed filled with worry as soon as he noticed the paleness of Joshua’s face. The boy waved Seungcheol’ s questions away, but his friend didn’t give up that easily. While they started walking towards the university they both attended- Joshua studied literature, Seungcheol economics- Seungcheol continued asking him questions. ‘Any troubles between you and Yujin maybe?’  
Joshua felt slightly upset with himself when he realised he had almost forgotten about his ex-girlfriend. He had broken up with her the previous night and been so depressed that he had searched for solace in the form of alcohol, yet the dream had shaken him up that badly that she hadn’t been occupying his mind once during the previous hour. He was ashamed of himself.  
‘Am I right?’  
Seungcheol’s question brought him back to reality. ‘I broke up with her.’  
His friend blinked. ‘You sure you don’t mean she broke up with you? Such a pretty girl! Why would you let her go? You don’t need to lie to me, ya know.’ He added with a slight grin, as though he thought Joshua was afraid of telling him the truth, fearing to lose his manliness. The boy chuckled slightly. If only it was that simple… What would his friend say if he told him the real reason of his behaviour was a dream in which he- he had been having sex with another guy?

The idea was comical, almost.

‘Yeah, you’re right. She dumped me.’ He lied and silently hoped the girl would be too prideful to tell _her_ friends the truth as well. 

Seungcheol patted his shoulder as to show his compassion. ‘You really have the baddest luck with women, my friend. You never manage to keep them for longer than a month... How many does that even make this year?’ He shook his head playfully. ‘But don’t worry! I will introduce you to some of Minji’s friends next time.’ He looked so cheerful and optimistic that Joshua had to smile somehow. It wasn’t even fake. Seungcheol had a weird way of cheering people up, but his smile worked wonders.  
‘You don’t need to,’ he told him, but his friend didn’t seem like he was going to give up soon.  
Joshua didn’t feel like breaking another girl’s heart soon though. But then, maybe that didn’t even have to happen. Maybe one of Minji’s friends would turn out to be his soulmate.  
Maybe happiness with a girl was a thing he was allowed to have as well. It could be. Maybe.  
…  
Maybe Junghan would come back from America.  
(Maybe’s don’t _fucking_ bring you anywhere.)

                                                                                                     ♦

‘ So... Should I introduce you to Minji’s friends today?’  
‘No- no thanks. It’s… it’s just too soon.’  
‘Hey, I understand man. No worries.’  
                                                                                                     ♦

When the boy came home that night, he had finally managed to keep himself from worrying about the dream. After all, dreams are dreams, and life often gets in their way, or so he tried to believe.  
Nevertheless, when he later discovered the bottle for the second time that day later that night, everything slowly came back. This time even more clearly. As though fate thought it would be amusing to see the boy suffer a second time. And so, as if scared to get infected with some dangerous virus, he picked up the thing and dumped it in a box, to be thrown into a glass container later on.  
He was scared, he wholeheartedly admitted so. Nothing scared him more than he himself did.  
That night he did not – consciously- dream.

                                                                                                   ♦

The next day however, he felt even more empty and useless then he normally did -normally his blue feelings did not disturb his daily life because he was able to suppress them as much as society expected from a boy his age- and so he found himself staring at the other bottle of red wine he kept in his cupboard. It almost seemed to seduce him, call for him like... how faeries call for humans to dance with them forever, and though he fully realised that was nothing more than plain nonsense, he couldn’t resist the temptation and drank.

That night he dreamed and felt complete.

                                                                                                     ♦

When he woke up, he still couldn’t recall his dream lover’s face and shamefully baptised him ‘ _The Other_ ’.  The dream hadn’t been completely the same as before, but the key elements had been there: a woman in a dusty place, a poison and a boy longing for him as much as he longed for him. There also had been Wholeness.  
It was a delirium.

Though when he realised his thoughts, he felt so ashamed he wanted to die. These kind of feelings had been the exact reason of why he had rejected Junghan, back then. He had lost his best friend for the sake of not becoming like this, yet Fortune really seemed to adore irony.

 

_ Four years before The Present- Part II- Chatmessages _

From Joshua30 to Angel1004:  
How are you doing? Everything going fine there? Miss you!’

 

From Angel1004 to Joshua30:  
Please stop texting me like nothing happened, Jisoo. You're only making it harder for me to forget you.’

 

From Joshua30 to Angel1004:

Then don’t! Why do you have to? 

 

From Angel1004 to Joshua30:

You know why…

From Joshua30 to Angel1004:

Can’t … can’t we pretend things are like they used to be? Like before? We can’t even meet up anymore, why can’t we at least continue talking like this? Your feelings don’t bother me, so let’s please get back to how we used to act before… I miss talking to you so much. You’re the only one who can fully understand me, Junghan. I’ve never trusted anyone as much as you.

 

From Angel1004 to Joshua30:

… That almost sounds like a love confession. You are the pretender, Jisoo. I will never be.

 

After that, their messages had become more and more sporadic, because Junghan didn’t want to receive texts anymore, but Joshua couldn’t give up on sending them. He was not the kind of person to directly go against other’s wishes, especially not those of his loved ones, but Junghan meant too much to him and things were just too confusing. Back then he couldn’t quite grasp the extent of his loss yet.

                                                                                               ♦

Soon they had evolved, the both of them. One of the biggest changes being that Junghan refused to talk to him in Korean, and Joshua in English, the language he sometimes imprecated now because he wished he had never taught Junghan in it.

Joshua would occasionally send Junghan a message in Korean, then get an English reply a week- or if he was lucky a few days- later. Said reply was always intimidatingly short and his ex-best friend almost never initiated a conversation himself. Except for that one time Junghan had proudly told Joshua he had gotten over him and found himself an American boyfriend, called Mike.  
The boy had searched for the latter in Junghan’s friendlist on facebook and had concluded -with some irritation- that the so called Mike was to be called handsome at least. It felt like he was being replaced as a friend.  As a lover to, but they hadn't ever been like that. As if Junghan didn't trust him enough anymore to share his secrets with him and talk about his worries. And that was what broke Jisoo the most. The simple realisation of being unnecessary.    
After that, Junghan didn't contact him anymore at all, probably too busy with his American friends and lover.

 

_Around two- three months before The present_  
The announcement of his relationship with Mike had been the last thing Joshua had heard of his friend, and that had been a few weeks ago, because he had not felt like contacting Junghan himself anymore after that. It was like their texts were a sad metaphor for their friendship. They eventually died out.

It even seemed like his friend had become a totally different person in the meantime. The changes had been there ever since his move, but Mike had been the final sign to Joshua: Junghan was not that boy who had almost been his soulmate anymore. He had become distant and looking at his profile pictures, it was clear to Joshua that the changes were even physically visible as well. Junghan had grown out his hair and looked more androgynous than ever. He had always been rather pretty for a boy, but right now he almost seemed like he could be mistaken for a girl if one was not very attentive. It left him with mixed feelings even he himself couldn’t quite understand.

 

_Two months before The Present- Part III_  
That day he felt so nervous even Seungcheol’ s jokes couldn’t cheer him up, though he tried to hide that fact. The boy went out drinking with some university friends when lessons were over, but refused to drink with them, fearing the hateful thoughts would come back if he did. He told them he was quite drunk already from drinking earlier on (he had not), which he obviously wasn’t.  
Yet the dream still came and so the feeling of wholeness and the intense loss paired with it as well. The next day he had the same dream as well, also without having to drink. Then he did not, but it came back as soon as he had started hoping it would be over, and after a few days it had become a routine to wake up with guilt and to go to sleep with a longing for The Other. Feelings of hope became his usual companions when fearfully drifting off to sleep. Hopes of seeing, touching and tasting The Other and most of all feeling rightfully whole; which were then crushed by the feelings of shame in the mornings because. He. Was. Not. Like. This.

 

Still, the days after that became hazy and blurry and insignificant as he lived for the nights, because he had started to crave those delirious, poisonous dreams which were slowly killing him inside. And even though he didn’t even have to drink even more, the morning afters became so much worse. He was literally drunk on dreams and he realised it.

 

Sometimes he woke up and recalled the stranger’s face as Junghan’ s and then he really despised his own mind. 

 

 

 

 

So even though I split this up this chapter is still three times as long as my usual chapters are (on another site). Oops.  
Anyway, the second part is almost finished; but I'm on cleaning duty right now (my mum doesn't know I'm posting this right now oops.).(You see, I promised her to clean up before leaving to my university room. Which is next week.) so yeah I don't know when I will manage to post it, but it shouldn't take long? Yet I always say that kind of things and they always turn out to be lies >\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\< 

 Note 21/12/2015: Made some changed, important for the character development


	2. Kazuki

Hey! I'm finally back. The chapter is long. (That's an understatement.) I got inspired by two awesome shounen ai manga's for this: Let Dai (had to stop at the twelfth of 15 volumes because I was crying too much) and Koimonogatari. Kazuki, my original character in this chapter is based on Sakura in Koimonogatari.  
You might have thought 'Huh? Why is it not Junghan?' when you saw this chapter's title and compared it to the first one. But I already said this had three chapters, didn't I? As Joshua is now, he's broken and depressed. I couldn't have him meet Junghan yet. (This is a Jihan story so that's not really a spoiler). In the original story I had a sentence 'Kazuki was merely a trigger after all' and that's quite right. So you don't have to worry about him destroying your ship. He won't.  
I discovered I really like creating OC's.  
Also; there might be some thoughts in this chapter you don't agree with. Like how Kazuki is kind of bi-phobic because he's gay. These aren't my kind of thoughts but the character's.   
Oh Kazuki calls Joshua/Jisoo 'Soo-chan'. That's meant to sound something like how Izaya in Durarara! always says 'Shizu'-Chan, if you can imagine that? (That's why I called him Orihara like Izaya). I also have phonecalls in this. Which was very irritating to write because you don't know the character's feelings. I hope I made them clear enough.  
Oh and I made some changes in chapter one, especially in Junghan's personality.  
That all being said, please enjoy the chapter. I worked on it for months. This story is my baby.

* * *

_Oscar Wilde once said that though we are all in the gutter, some of us are looking at the stars. The lights in Seoul however, always shine too brightly to ever see those stars._

 

Do you know that feeling?  
Sometimes the world seems to have become a bubble. A giant, inescapable, transparent one. You know you’re locked up inside of it, yet you seem like the only one realising that.  
Sometimes the world seems to slow down. You see the others walking in slow-motion and everything is  happening like usual but you feel so… so distant. Like you’re watching from the side-lines.  
Like it isn’t _your_ life.  
But … eventually you get used to it. You get used to the feeling of pretending to live.  
Three weeks after the first occurrence of the dream, Joshua felt exactly like that.

Then all of a sudden, his life took an unexpected change.

One and a half month before The Present- Part I

Joshua walked around absentmindedly in the park close to his campus while waiting for the moment he could go back to the building he would have his last lecture in. He had a break of a half an hour; too short to go back home and too long to stay inside the building. Seungcheol was on a date with his girlfriend and Joshua’s friends from the literature department- he did have those friends, but they weren’t that close- were busy with something else and hadn’t even bothered coming to class that day. He didn’t blame them. Even though he loved literature, even he had to admit some of the lectures they got were plain boring. Yet he wasn’t really the kind of person to skip class.

Suddenly, someone softly tapped on his shoulder and after overcoming the initial shock that action had brought away, Joshua turned around in curiosity. Standing in front of him was a guy with half-long, curled black hair and a delicate face. He was handsome, but not in a conventional way. There was something exotic about him, something Joshua couldn’t quite put his finger on. He was a little bit taller than Joshua himself. The clothes he wore were elegant and fashionable… as in the kind of fashion Joshua would never try on himself because it made one stand out too much. The raven haired guy however, didn’t seem to care about that fact at all and instead welcomed Joshua with an almost naughty grin that made the boy feel uncertain and curious as well at the same time. A golden necklace made of little chains decorated his neck and Joshua spotted two silver piercings in his left ear as well. Despite the slightly unusual jewelry  he didn’t give off a rich-guy vibe at all, but he didn’t look plain in the slightest either. Shortly said, he was the exact kind of person Joshua didn’t desire to be seen with, for the sole reason he himself preferred to be part of the crowd. It made hiding so much easier.

The Dreams had made it so much harder to deny his hidden desires anymore and right now he almost felt at ease with himself. Almost, as in that he accepted the fact he was longing for a boy long lost and that his mind was probably sending him The Dreams for that reason, because he had been sickly obsessed all along without even realising so, but also ‘almost’ as in that he was not planning on giving in to those kind of feelings -and become what he didn’t want to be- like ever. 

The guy in front of him had other plans.

‘Are you our campus’ s famous heartbreaker Hong Jisoo?’  
Joshua frowned upon hearing the guy’s question. His infamous title was no secret to him at all, yet it didn’t exactly please him and neither did he like to be reminded of it. It wasn’t like he broke hearts because he wanted to or because he enjoyed doing so.  
And besides, he also tried to make it seem like the girls had broken up with him instead of the other way round as often as he could. Still, he knew that it didn’t work perfectly. Actually, only Seungcheol seemed to believe he was the one getting dumped each time instead of being the one who broke up the relations every time again.

‘I’m… Yes I am Jisoo.’ He admitted, purposely dropping the heartbreaker part.

The guy in front of him smiled and the way his face lit up accentuated his strange beauty. ‘I am Orihara Kazuki, from Japan… as you can probably deduce from my name. I’ve been living here for a few years now. I’m delighted to meet you, Jisoo-hyung. I’ve been longing to meet you for quite some time.’

Both his too polite way of speaking -Joshua was quite sure he himself had to be the younger one of the two- as the meaning of Kazuki’s words confused him.  
‘Why?’ He asked though he had originally hoped to be able to end the conversation as soon as possible because Kazuki made him nervous.

‘You once broke my friend’s heart, do you know that?’ The other boy asked instead of giving a real reply, while gradually dropping the polite tone.  
‘Oh…’ Joshua held his breath. It often happened guys got angry and jealous at him because many girls liked him yet he never went steady with any of them.

‘That’s all you gotta say? She cried a lot after you broke up with her, y’know.’ Kazuki continued, but not in the angry way Joshua had been expecting. He merely stated the facts as an outsider.  
Not really knowing what to do, Joshua told him he was sorry and that he had not wanted to hurt her, though he wasn’t even sure which girl exactly the boy in front of him was talking about.

‘It’s okay though. That was a while ago and not even the reason why I wanted to talk to you, actually.’ Kazuki waved his excuses away, which made Joshua even more confused. He totally didn’t like the situation he had found himself in and internally begged the other to hurry up and leave him alone. There was also still a lecture left he had to attend anyway.

‘You see…  I knew about your reputation for quite a while of course- you’re quite famous in our campus, you know that?- So I’ve been watching you for a while and-,’ he paused as to make sure his words would have a great impact, ‘And hey, I thought; could it be that maybe, that maybe you like guys more and that’s why you’re turning all those chicks down in the end?’ And then  he waited, showing Joshua an innocent smile while the latter felt his world crumble down and shivers going down his spine. Kazuki had brutally torn away his carefully built up mask with one simple question.

A few seconds long the boy remained silent and motionless as if frozen in time, yet not able to fully control his facial expression. Then he regained his ability to speak and shook his head. ‘No. No, you got that wrong. I just haven’t found the right girl yet,’ he answered. Kazuki granted him a meaningful smile, like he knew all of the world’s secrets, in response which annoyed Joshua, scared and nervous as he was at the time. ‘I really am not’, he repeated. It didn’t sound convincing, even he realised that.

‘You are a terrible liar,’ Kazuki told him, smile not even wavering once. ‘I do to, you know?’  
‘You… Whát?’  
His smile changed into a wicked one. ‘I like guys. So do you.’

 _This is what it must feel like to fall down,_ Joshua thought. _This is how it must feel like to fall down and keep on falling without seeing the end. You just … go deeper and deeper, while fear takes possession of your senses._

And meanwhile Kazuki continued smiling, smiling like he could see right through him. It gave him a feeling of having lost already, before even having put up a fight. In the end he simply admitted to what he had been hiding for so long, because he believed there was no use in lying anyway. ‘Yes, I do.’

As soon as the words left his mouth, he felt a strange calmness come over him. Though he was secretly fearing someone with a hidden camera would show up, dealing him the final blow, he also felt like he had battled himself and won at least once. Like he had overcome his own fears. And at the same time, he felt light-headed and dizzy. His mind had become a total mess.

Kazuki’s smile changed yet again, and this time the main emotion readable in it was triumph. ‘Thought so.’  Putting his hands on the shoulders of the boy in front of him, he spoke up again. ‘I have a deal for you, Jisoo-hyung.’  
Joshua ignored the urge to take those hands off and run away as far as he could, hopefully to not ever see Kazuki again. ‘A deal?’

‘Yeah. You’ve never done real _stuff_ with a guy before, have you?’  
‘…Stuff?’  
‘The things people do when they want each other. Should I really explain it to you? There are birds and bees and-’

Joshua pulled his hands in the air to stop the other. ‘I get it, I get it, so please stop.’  
‘Well… have you?’  
‘…No.’  
‘Thought so. I want to teach you. Let me _corrupt_ you, Jisoo.’  
Kazuki’s tone sounded so playful that Joshua decided not to take him serious- he actually didn’t want to think too much about the possibility of the other meaning his words.  
‘That sounds like it came straight from a novel. A very bad one.’ He said instead.

The raven haired boy smiled. ‘Yeah. It does.’ He admitted. ‘But I meant it. I want to teach you. I want to teach you about this world and see you react to it.’  
And when Joshua opened his mouth to protest because the proposition sounded horribly ridiculous to him, Kazuki continued. ‘Don’t worry, I won’t force you to do anything you’re not ready for. You’re free to tell me to stop anytime and I _will,_ I will stop, but then I will try again later on. The only thing you can’t ask me for is to give up. Okay?’

Joshua shook his head. ‘You’re mad. I’ve never planned on doing anything with these kind of feelings, and I’m not going to change that just because you’re gay and you want to _teach_ me.’ He turned around and began walking away in the direction of his campus with as big steps as he managed to take.  
‘Wait!’  
Joshua waited.  
‘You can’t just run away. I recorded our entire conversation, you know? What would your friends think if I made them list-’  
‘Stop!’ Joshua turned around and ran towards the other boy, who seemed totally relaxed.  
‘Thought so.’ The latter said again, almost pleased with Joshua’s anger.  
‘You- you … Why? Are you blackmailing me? What did I ever do to you?’  
‘That’s a lot of questions, Soo-chan.’  
The new nickname made the boy shiver. It made him feel like a little boy from one of the anime series he used to like when he was younger, and wondered if that was maybe the exact reason why Kazuki had used it, as to make the contrast bigger between the current situation they were in and the one of a few minutes before when he was still using the more polite- and Korean- ‘hyung’.

‘Why you ask? I’ve been watching you, Soo-chan. There’s this certain aura of sadness around you, like you don’t know how to live anymore and you’re going to do some stupid things. Very stupid things.’ He paused. ‘Am I blackmailing you? If you want to call it that, you can.’ He paused again. ‘I’m just doing this because I want to help you.’ He laughed.  
His laugh sounded too lovely, Joshua thought. _This guy was not supposed to sound lovely._  
Joshua let out a frustrated sigh. What did he ever do wrong to get into this mess?  
‘You have to promise me no one will know. You’re not going to tell anyone, ever. Not even if you get pissed at me because I did something wrong.’ He said in the end, cowardly deciding there was no way out. He was most probably mad for doing so, he thought. But maybe he needed some madness in his life.

‘Are you planning on pissing me off that often, Soo-chan?’  
‘Stop calling me that, Kazuki.’  
Kazuki clapped in his hands. ‘That’s the first time you called me by my name! But you can also call me _sensei_ if you want to.’ He laughed, cheerful as a toddler who just received a present.  
‘No way.’  
Kazuki patted Joshua’s head. ‘You’re better like this. You always seem so refined, while talking to anyone, like you’re holding up a mask. When you seem angry, you get more real.’ He said, calmly, unlike his previous, child-like way of reacting. The boy seemed to switch personalities really fast.  
Joshua closed his eyes. ‘Yeah, that’s because I _am_ holding up a mask.’ The truth in his own words surprised him. Talking to Kazuki was easy, he had to admit at least that.  
‘With me, you can take it off. Doesn’t that feel nice?’  
Joshua chose not to answer.  
  
Kazuki moved his arm until it was lying on Joshua’s shoulder and he could cling onto him like they were best friends. He pushed Joshua into the direction he had also been walking into earlier and forced him to walk next to him that way. ‘Pull your arm away.’ Joshua demanded, voice more unstable than he wanted it to be.  
The other boy laughed. ‘Why? Afraid people might get the wrong idea? Guys walk around like this all the time, Soo-chan. If you act too careful, it gets suspicious,’ He paused. ‘Take that as my first lesson.’  
‘I just don’t like it… and normal guys aren’t… they are not-’  
‘Like me?’  
‘Yeah’, Joshua admitted.  
‘I’m too flashy for you?’ Kazuki asked.  
‘Flashy is one way to put it…’  
Kazuki nodded. ‘I stand out too much, is what you actually want to say. I know. I like to.’  
‘I don’t.’  
‘Thought so. Say, Soo- chan, let’s leave it at this for today, okay?’  
Joshua blinked. He didn’t know what he had been expecting, but surely not Kazuki giving up so easily, after hearing his proposal earlier on. It felt… rather anticlimactic. ‘Why? And please stop calling me that.’  
‘Because I said I wouldn’t force you to do things you were not ready for. You seem too confused right now to be ready for _anything.’_  
The guy frowned. ‘Thank you … I guess?’  
Kazuki’s laugh resounded again. ‘Don’t thank me. I’m the mean one blackmailing you, remember?’  
Joshua coughed. ‘It’s not like I was hoping on being able to forget that.’  
‘Aww, come on, I’m not _that_ mean either, am I?’ Kazuki pouted and before Joshua could even answer him, he took his backpack- Joshua realised he had overlooked it at first, but it seemed like an expensive thing- and opened it. After taking two books out of it, he closed it again and put it back in place. ‘Take these. Read them and when you’ve finished and think you’re ready for a second lesson, give me a call. There’s a paper with my number on in one of them.’ He gave the books to Joshua and a faint smile lit up his face once again when he saw how confused the other boy looked. ‘Take it as homework from your _sensei_ , Soo-chan!’ He exclaimed and then ran away, too sudden and unexpected for Joshua to call him back. Not that he wanted to do so anyway.

Of course he was too late for his college and he felt the eyes of fellow students and professor burning on his back while walking towards a free seat.

On his way back home it started raining.  While the little droplets touched him everywhere, almost like a hungry lover, and his clothes got terribly wet, he felt truly alive for the first time in weeks.

 

                                                                                                              ♦

  
At home, he granted the books Kazuki had given him a short glance. One seemed to be a real, long and hopefully interesting–but most probably scandalous- novel, written in Korean. The other one was nothing more than a manga volume, seemingly in English. The boy shortly wondered why Kazuki had bought it in English- could he überhaupt understand the language?- and then quickly went through the pages. It seemed to be nothing more than dirty porn- gay porn- and so he threw the thing away in a corner of his room, shaking his head because- god no, _this_ was not what Kazuki had meant with _ready_ , had he?- it honestly shocked him. It wasn’t like he was innocent or unknowledgeable; after all he had done it with a few girls before, but the lack of subtlety in the book made him feel embarrassed. And it was not like he didn’t know how guys did it with each other either- he had done some research back then when he had first noticed Junghan’s feelings- but to see it _drawn_ , to see it so open like this dazzled him. The guys in the book seemed really feminine too, which made it even more weird to look at.

Confused about everything he decided to leave the books for what they were and study a bit.

That night The Dream came back.

 

                                                                                                                           ♦

A few days later his curiosity won him over and so he read the manga. He figured it would be best to read the worst thing first. As he had deduced at first glance, it was merely porn, mixed with a love-story that could have been called cliché if it had happened between a guy and a girl, yet now he could only call it plain unrealistic. In real life guys you like don’t miraculously like you back. And if they do, it doesn’t mean they will accept their own feelings. He himself was the best proof of that. He honestly wondered what Kazuki had been trying to tell him when he had given him the book. It could have been to explain him how the sex worked, but he didn’t really think so. Based on the knowledge he had earned while surfing around on the internet four years ago, even he could tell the manga romanticised things a lot. In the end he concluded he didn’t know Kazuki well enough to guess around like that and so he started reading the novel to keep his mind busy with something else.

He didn’t manage to finish it in one evening, because he had to stop now and then and think, because there were too many things in the book that surprised him. It was a story about a poet and a boy whom he called both his muse and his lover. Though it was obvious they both liked each other, their relationship developed in such a disastrous way that in the end they were the ones to destroy each other. It was a historical novel, and it made Joshua fully realise that being gay a few centuries ago had been even more dangerous and unaccepted than it was now. Or maybe not exactly, _considering being gay can still earn you capital punishment in certain countries even nowadays._

He somehow felt like the tragic ending fully completed the story and he didn’t know what that said about himself as a person. It wasn’t like he liked unhappy endings; because who truly did? But in his opinion, some stories just left a  better impression when they ended on a bad note. The book Kazuki had given him was one of those. ‘And they lived happily ever after’ would simply have not been satiable as an ending. It would have been too easy and too unrealistic.

One specific thing about the book that had struck  Joshua was how gentle homosexuality was depicted in it. It made it seem like once, longing for a younger boy had been considered _beautiful_ in certain circles. It confused him; because how could a love so _incomplete_ once have seemed so admirable and inspiring to some? He liked to read, but he had never found this aspect of love in literature before. Maybe he had intentionally kept himself from reading things like this, too scared of what he might have discovered in it. That probably had been the right thing to do, he realised now. He wasn’t exactly sure he was happy with what he just had read, because for the first time it felt to him that maybe a homosexual relationship didn’t have to be less, to be more incomplete than a _normal_ one. That thought frightened him, because he felt like he was closer than ever now to give in to the feelings he had been denying for so long. As a literature student however, he had to admit that this was a _good_ book. It made him reconsider the light in which he had seen homosexuality for so long. Still, that didn’t change society’s views about it at all, so it was pointless anyway.

But maybe this had been Kazuki’s real intention; to show him just how different the same kind of love can seem by describing it from different points of views. It made Joshua wonder which one stood the closest to reality.

                                                                                                                        ♦

To call or not to call? That’s the question.

Not to call.

 

One week and one month before The Present

He called.

                                                                                                                         ♦

On the phone, Kazuki had told him to meet up at the building of the number one entertainment company in Seoul, without telling Joshua exactly why he had chosen for that location. When the boy arrived there, he couldn’t spot the other in the crowd of teenage girls and a few- very few- boys. It made him feel out of place, unmanly almost. He had never cared about his manliness, not at all, but lately he had been feeling more self-aware than ever. If he wanted to continue hiding- which he did, his changes in perception hadn’t changed that fact- going up in the crowd would be important. Right now he was doing that, but this crowd wasn’t exactly the best one. Just when he started feeling so uncomfortable he considered leaving the place, Kazuki appeared, seemingly out of nowhere, grabbed him by the shoulder and pulled him away from the crowd. They stopped walking when they were far enough away to not drown in the crowd anymore, but not far away enough to stop seeing the girls.  
  
‘Look at them,’ Kazuki demanded, gesturing at the excited crowd, which now had started screaming because a certain car had stopped in front of the building. It made Joshua wonder why the idols didn’t go in through a back door or something like that, because he figured it would be much easier and probably a lot more silent as well. But maybe they just wanted to be seen, enjoyed the attention, he thought. Maybe the company saw it as a form of publicity. He doubted he would ever have been able to survive the idol life himself, if he had been one.

When Kazuki repeated his question, Joshua woke up from his thoughts. ‘Why?’  
Kazuki smiled. ‘Which kind of love do you think is more weird: liking another boy while being a boy yourself or longing for an idol who will probably never even notice your existence?’

‘They’re both hopeless, I think.’ Joshua replied honestly.

The other laughed. ‘Maybe. Or maybe you’re just a pessimist’ Before Joshua could think of an answer, he held up his hand in the air, stopping him. ‘Ssht. Don’t say anything. Just think about it yourself.’  
‘Is that why you brought me here?’ Joshua asked, slowly, still a little confused because he didn’t seem able to read Kazuki at all. He preferred people who tended to act a bit more predictable.  
‘Maybe,’ Kazuki admitted, ‘maybe I did. Anyway, follow me.’ He tugged on the boy’s shoulder.  
‘Where are we going?’  
‘To a place where talking will be easier.’ When he noticed Joshua’s frightened facial expression, he burst out laughing. ‘Oh come on, don’t give me such a stupid look. It’s nothing dangerous. Just a café.’ And when he noticed the other was about to protest, he added: ‘A normal one! Gosh, chill! You’re acting like I will bring you to a slaughterhouse or something!’  
Joshua’s lips curled up involuntary. ‘Maybe you are.’  
A nod followed. ‘Maybe I am.’  
And then they walked.

After a short while however, Joshua couldn’t stand the awkward silence and tension between them anymore and so he tried to find a subject to talk about. Not wanting to talk about the weather, since that was so cliché it  would almost sound suspicious, he blurted out the first thing that came to his mind. ‘Uhm… Kazuki? You… uhm you speak Korean very well.’  
‘Oh? Thanks, Soo-chan. So do you.’  
‘Yeah, but I’ve been living here for around ten years already.’  
‘So have I,’ Kazuki said, slightly amused again. ‘If you want to know the full story; I was born in Japan, and when I was one my parents moved to Australia for my father’s work. When I was eight, we moved again, and well- here I am.’ He spread out his arms wide, like he wanted to embrace all of the buildings in the street. ‘Actually I can’t even read Japanese; I only ever speak it with my parents,’ he finished.

‘Oh,’ said Joshua, ‘Oh, I see,’ and then they relapsed in an awkward silence. It only made him more nervous than he already was and so he desperately tried to keep up the conversation. ‘Say Kazuki…’

‘Yes?’  
This was a thing he really wanted, needed to know. ‘Why did you decide to do this?’  
For the first time Kazuki seemed serious again. ‘It’s because you looked so pathetic. And damn innocent. I had to do something. And I needed some fun in my life.’  
‘So do you… Look innocent, I mean.’ Joshua said- purposely ignoring the last part of the other boy’s sentence- and he meant it, because unlike his words and clothes, Kazuki himself gave off some aura of innocence. Maybe it was because of his face, maybe because of his smiles, but he just strangely did.  
The other guy huffed at those words. ‘Please. My innocence is about as real as your reputation of being a Casanova who jumps on every single girl he sees.’  
‘They really say that?’ Joshua asked, mouth slightly opened, honestly shocked.  
‘Some of your jealous rivals do.’

And then the silence came back since Joshua was too stupefied to say anything and Kazuki too lazy to do so. They soon arrived at the café, which was rather tiny, but seemed totally normal, clean and cosy unlike what Joshua had been secretly expecting after all. Kazuki chose a table for two and ordered some drinks, not bothering with asking Joshua’s opinion- ‘The coffee they serve here is honestly the best in all of Seoul, trust me!’- and then they just awkwardly sat there. Two guys alone, at one table. Wasn’t it weird? Girls often went out drinking and shopping in pairs of two, but guys on the streets always walked in bigger groups or with their girlfriends. But there were enough guys who went out drinking together too, weren’t there? It was a normal thing to do, he told himself and then he immediately scolded himself for having those thoughts as well. Why was he thinking like this? A few months ago, he would have considered sitting at a table with Seungcheol as the most normal thing to do, so why was it so different now?  
Because he was with Kazuki and he had allowed himself to change. He realised that, he truly did, but he also truly tried not to. The boy sighed. Then the waiter, who had taken their orders before, arrived to bring their drinks and successfully stopped his stream of consciousness for a while.  
The moment said waiter had turned around, Kazuki pointed at his back and waited until he had disappeared in the kitchen. ‘He’s giving us a discount on the drinks, isn’t that nice?’  
‘Why? He’s a friend of yours?’  
Kazuki’s lips curled up to form that naughty grin Joshua had almost grown used to by now. ‘I slept with him.’  
Joshua nearly choked on his hot coffee. ‘Whát?’  
 ‘You heard me perfectly well.’  
Joshua felt his own cheeks heating up. Kazuki on the other hand, shamelessly remained his relaxed posture. Joshua really wanted to know what Kazuki had been planning by giving him that piece of information, but he felt too ashamed to ask, as if he believed saying those words would affect him in a way as well. Kazuki pushed him over the edge nonetheless. ‘You want to ask something, I can see it. Go ahead, it won’t kill you.’  
‘It’s already killing me though,’ Joshua thought, but instead he replied with: ‘ It’s hard to believe, because he… he-’  
‘Looks so normal?’ the other boy suggested, and the following nod told him he was right.  
‘He does, right? That surprises you?’  
Joshua didn’t really know what to answer, so he just stared at the table  while unconsciously nibbling on the lower part of his lips. _Yes._ It did surprise him, because the waiter had looked so plain and .. just nothing like Kazuki or the frivolous people he had seen on television shows. But he wasn’t stupid; he knew there were people able to hide it easily, lots of them. And Junghan too, before he had grown out his hair, had always looked perfectly _normal_ as well. The thing that had _really_ surprised was the interaction between Kazuki and the other boy. Or, to be more precise, the lack of it. There hadn’t been any signs of affection, almost none of recognition either. And nonetheless, if he could believe in Kazuki’s words, it meant the two of them had been bedpartners.  
Personally, he always tried to avoid crossing paths with his previous girlfriends after rejecting them, to not unnecessary hurt them anymore. Maybe he also did it to not constantly be reminded of his own failures. To stop the guilt from getting worse. Maybe it was a way of self-protection, to cut all the ties with those girls, he thought.

‘Why does he still give you that discount when you two are not seeing each other anymore?’ He finally asked, voicing some of his thoughts. ‘Or maybe, you still are?’  
‘We aren’t. We never were. Does that surprise you?’ Kazuki replied, the tone of his voice giving away his curiosity, which gave Joshua the feeling he had said something stupid. Still, he answered before he could prevent himself from doing so. ‘Did you … just do it without involving feelings?’  
Kazuki snorted. ‘That’s right. It’s no big deal.’  
Joshua couldn’t agree with that. Even though he wasn’t going to admit it, the others words bothered him a lot. Not because he was fundamentally opposed to the idea of friends with benefits but because he had never truly believed in the concept. Holding others without feeling anything simply seemed like one big lie to him. There were always feelings involved. Not necessarily love, but that wasn’t what he meant either. Sleeping with someone without feeling anything, be it guilt, jealousy, sadness, anger or something else, reduced one to a toy or a lifeless robot in his opinion.  
In contrary to what they might have thought, he himself had always tried his hardest not to be hollow like that while being with the girls.

‘Am I the first?’ Kazuki asked suddenly, pulling Joshua back down to earth with that question.  
‘The first what?’  
‘The first gay friend you’ve made.’

Joshua supressed an upcoming smile he didn’t want Kazuki to see.  ‘We’re friends?’ He asked, keeping his tone serious. If he was being completely honest with himself, he rather enjoyed Kazuki’s company. As the latter had remarked before, he didn’t have to worry about holding up the mask he always showed others when he was with him. It was nice to have someone to talk to freely for a chance. To not have to worry about holding back. Somehow however, he didn’t really want to grant Kazuki the triumph he would surely feel if he admitted that. The method the other had used to trick him into allowing  to be taught, was very low, and Joshua wouldn’t let that pass so easily. Though he didn’t really suspect Kazuki of wanting to do something bad to him anymore, he also didn’t trust him completely yet. There were too many mysteries the raven was covered in. And for that reason, he decided it would be better for him not to tell Kazuki about how he was actually grateful that someone had spoken up to him. Had stopped him from falling deeper into the abyss of dark thoughts he had been falling in ever since The Dreams had started. He knew that he, rationally thinking, should have tried to stay away from the other as far as he could. But the truth was that he, from the start, had not been shaken up that much by Kazuki’s whole blackmailing deal. If he had been truly afraid, he would have searched for ways to get out of the deal or destroy the recordings. Yet he hadn’t even tried to put up a fight, and if he had to be _completely_ honest with himself, it was because he was –no matter how much he liked to deny it – curious. The fear he had felt upon admitting he also liked boys towards Kazuki had been real, but not nearly as bad as it would have been if he had been forced to admit it towards people who knew and trusted him. In the end, he was still the same. Terribly scared of being found out by his loved ones, yet also unable to deny his curiosity to himself, or someone who was –almost- like him. Even four years ago, he had never been able to stop his curiosity. He had wanted to kiss Junghan after finding out his feelings, had wanted to experience what it would be like. That had been the exact reason why he had rejected the other boy, because he had realised that the possibility of eventually giving in to these feelings and wanting to experience _more_ , had been very likely. And so he had rejected him, and after falling into a state of depression after Junghan had left, he had successfully locked up those curious feelings of him. He had agreed to go out with the first girl who had come up to him and afterward never stopped doing so, desperately hoping he would be able to fall in love with any of them. Eventually, after going out with several girls, he had learned that those feelings had to have been more than mere curiosity. However, he had banned that thought to the back of his mind back then. Joshua now realised that when Junghan had sent him a message to inform him he had gotten a boyfriend, the panic he had felt then must have worked as a trigger. The feelings he had before, came to the surface again, invading his dreams. During those four years he had changed as a person though, and he had gotten to the point where he was actually sure he could love both girls and boys in theory. Neither of them disgusted him, and he was sure both of them could bring him pleasure, though he hadn’t done anything with a guy apart from Junghan’s farewell-kiss. The biggest problem for him was that he didn’t _want_ to find a guy and couldn’t accept a girl because Junghan still occupied his mind and heart, even though four years had passed. He wasn’t even sure if he could call those feelings he had for Junghan love, but he assumed that if anything, it was the closest he had ever gotten to it and that it stopped him from being able to love someone else wholeheartedly.  
Which was seriously messed up.  
 

Kazuki’s answer brought him back to the present. ‘Course we are. Well, I _did_ blackmail you, but you willingly called me.’ When he saw Joshua’s doubtful expression, he quickly added: ‘Well, maybe not that willingly, but still… You don’t dislike me, do you?’

Joshua shook his head and lied: ‘I honestly don’t know.’  
Kazuki waved that away. ‘Anyway, am I?’  
‘Yes,’ Joshua admitted, more honest than he had planned to be, ‘Or at least, you’re the first ever since… since-’  
‘Since what? Since you discovered you were gay?’  
At that, Joshua carefully spun his head around, to make sure there was no one who would be able to hear them. ‘I am not. I’m bisexual.’ Again, he had never disliked females, or their bodies. And it wasn’t like Junghan had been the only other male he had ever felt attracted to. But he had been the only person he had ever felt completely connected to.

 ‘Whatever you want, man. Have you actually ever liked a girl before?’  
‘I’ve gone out with a few,’ Joshua dodged the question. He wasn’t actually afraid to say it, but he just… didn’t really want to. He didn’t want to talk lightly about the girls. They didn’t deserve that.  
‘That’s no answer. Did you _like_ them? Romantically?’ Kazuki continued.  
 ‘I never met the right one,’ Joshua replied, exposing and surprising himself again. Maybe Kazuki just had some kind of talent in tricking people into giving away their secrets. Maybe having someone to talk to made opening up easier. Or maybe it was a combination of both.  
‘You’re a virgin then?’ Kazuki asked, obviously enjoying the teasing now.  
To not grant the other boy the pleasure of seeing him flustered again, Joshua bluntly answered he had slept with a few of them. A wave of guilt overwhelmed him for the second time, yet he suppressed it, like how he had suppressed his previous thoughts as well.  
‘Thank god,’ Kazuki exclaimed sarcastically, ‘I was almost afraid I would have to teach you about _everything_ ’.  
Joshua glared at him. ‘Don’t make fun of me.’  
‘Sorry, it’s just that you seemed more like the no-sex-before-marriage-type. Being so serious and all.’  
He laughed, as if he found his own words highly amusing. To him, they probably were. To Joshua, they weren’t.  
‘I guess I… I just didn’t want to disappoint them.’ Joshua confessed and even he realised how stupid that sounded. However, it had been his reason to do everything he had done so far. Though he had never managed to, he had wanted to become their ideal boyfriend, to do everything to make them happy, to love them wholly. Maybe, he realised, maybe he had always lived for approval.

Kazuki paused for a moment, expression unreadable. Then he said: ‘Anyway, you didn’t answer me yet. Am I the first gay friend you’ve made since you discovered you liked guys as well?’  
‘No… But the first since I accepted that fact.’  
And he felt how heavy his words weighed.

That night he dreamed.

The Dream 2.0

He’s sitting on a cold and messy floor. It’s dark. Outside- He can see through the broken windows of the room he has found himself in- and inside. There are cobwebs on  the walls, on said floor, and on the ceiling. It’s supposed to be scary, he knows that, but he’s not afraid. Should he?

Not at all. The darkness feels safe. Somehow.

There’s this woman… in front of him. She looks familiar, in a way he can’t quite grasp. There’s also a guy, but Joshua can’t see his face. It’s not that important either.  
Then, swiftly, the woman offers him a glass. He has no idea where she has gotten it from, but he takes it, and so she fills it to the brim with some red liquid. A poisonous kind of scarlet red. It looks dangerous. She tells him to drink it, and he obeys. When the first droplets slide down his throat, he can feel his body becoming heavier. He’s losing control. He likes it.

The unknown guy comes closer and drops to the floor, next to Joshua. The woman, on the other hand, stands up and leaves the room. ‘He’s all yours, sweetheart,’ she says with a wicked smile before closing the oak door. Maybe she’s saying it to the both of them. And then he realises he has seen that smile before. _Kazuki._

The unknown guy grabs Joshua’s hand and helps him to stand up, while squeezing it tightly. The place where their fingers touch, tingles. ‘Come with me,’ he whispers and then starts walking towards the door. Joshua has no choice but to obey because the other is still holding his hand, but he also _wants_ to. He wants to follow him; he knows it’s the right thing to do.

The oak door seems solid, but all the other has to do to open it, is place their locked hands onto it. They are standing in the doorway now, the two boys, bodies pressed closer together than what could be called decent, and mimic each other’s actions cautiously. Before they actually take the step to enter the outside world, the other makes time slow down when he brings his free hand to Joshua’s face and strokes it carefully. As Joshua does the same thing, the other grants him a smile. It is not a happy one, though smiles are supposed to be happy – or at least give away that impression- but it’s not a bitter one either. Then his lips part and some muttered words quickly leave his mouth, yet Joshua still catches them. ‘I really love you, Jisoo.’  
The use of his Korean name makes him tremble against the other, but he remains silent and continues staring into the other’s eyes, like he has been doing ever since the other pulled him closer.  
And then they start to run.

Clinging onto each other, they run through dark hallways and pass by broken windows and stairways -the original room was located higher than Joshua would have ever imagined- until they’ve arrived at the bottom floor. The exit is right in front of them, but the other doesn’t show any intention of going through it. Instead, he stops running and takes Joshua’s other hand as well, intertwining it with his own to be even more connected. ‘It’s okay’, he assures Joshua, and even though the latter doesn’t know what he’s talking about, it eases him nonetheless. _Yes, it’s okay._

So Joshua frees one hand on his own and pulls the other forward, running towards the exit. The other nearly trips over because of the brute force Joshua accidentally used, but doesn’t complain.  
_It’s okay._  
Once they’re outside, Joshua gasps because all he can focus on are the innumerable stars in the sky above them. While he stays motionless to admire them, he feels how the other gets behind him, placing his arms around him in a back hug. His warm breath tickles Joshua’s neck and the sensation makes him shiver, though it’s not that cold outside. _It’s okay._

And then he removes the other’s arms and turns around to face him. To his surprise the old building has disappeared completely, and all that’s left is fields a far as he can see, just like the one they are currently standing on. There are plants growing on it, but in the dark, he can’t really tell what kinds. It’s not like it matters anyway. What matters is that he _can_ still see the other’s face in the moonlight- is it actually moonlight? It has a reddish glance- and that said guy is looking at him with a certain hunger in his eyes. Maybe it’s supposed to be scary, but he’s not afraid. It tells him he’s wanted, and maybe that’s what _he wants_ most, to be wanted. To be needed.  
Maybe he is hungry as well.

Joshua places his hands on either sides of the other’s face and kisses him like he will die if he doesn’t do this. Maybe he will.  
His hands have taken some decisions on their own, and are currently deploring the other’s back, and he doesn’t know when that happened, but he can understand their decision quite well.  
The other copies his actions again, and when Joshua feels hands on his back, he presses himself closer to the other, because he needs more touches, needs more contact, needs more of the other.  
And then, they start to fall, and it’s in slow motion, and it doesn’t even hurt but suddenly they are laying in between the plants- having crushed some of them in the process of falling down. And what’s even more important is that he’s laying on top of the other, and the other is watching him expectantly. He feels an adrenaline rush, and then bends forward to kiss him again.  
To have the other beneath him, to have him at his mercy, is a scary, yet extremely exciting thing. Somewhere in the back of his mind, he knows that they have been doing this before, but with reversed positions, and that makes him realise just how alike they actually are.

‘ _It’s okay’_ , he whispers at the other, vocalising his thoughts, not sure if he says it to reassure the other or rather himself. The only reply he gets is a kiss on his naked chest, at the heart area. When did they even lose their clothes? He doesn’t know, but it doesn’t matter because the other pulls him down, against his own naked body and he understands this is the right thing to do since they both crave it just as much.

And then there’s only heat left, and blankness, because all his thoughts have been crushed by the feeling of skin against skin and he’s not able to think anymore.

                                                            

One month and one week before The Present  
 

When he woke up, he felt as ashamed as he usually felt lately, because his first reflex was to look beside him, as if he was hoping Junghan would be laying there. Of course he wasn’t.  
Then he scolded himself because- why did he automatically think about Junghan after having the dream? The Other had no real face.  
But that was a lie, and he knew it. The Other had been Junghan all along.

Suddenly he felt the need to talk to Kazuki.  
He called.

-‘Eh? Soo-chan? You’re missing me already?’  
-‘Shut up, Kazuki.’  
-‘No, but seriously; I thought I had shocked you too much with what I said yesterday.’  
-‘Maybe I needed a shock.’  
-‘Huh?’  
-‘Never mind….’  
-‘Oh come on, that’s not fair, Soo-chan.’  
-‘Can I see you?’  
*Silence*  
-‘I can’t?’  
-‘You _want_ to see me? Even though I’m the one blackmailing you?’  
-‘Do you have problem with that?’  
‘Ooh… your angry voice sounds sexy.’  
*Silence*  
-‘I mean it, you always try to sound so kind, Soo-chan. It’s refreshing.’  
-‘Stop that, Kazuki.’  
-‘Stop what, Soo-chan?’  
-‘Seeing through me so easily.’  
*Laughter on Kazuki’s side of the line*  
-‘Anyway, so I can’t see you today? I just needed to talk.’  
-‘Oh no, it’s fine. I asked you to let yourself be taught by me anyway. I will sent you a text with my address. It’s not that far from the campus building where I met you last time.’  
-‘You…  you live alone?’  
-‘Yeah, I have a little flat. Why? Are you afraid I will try something?’  
-‘I…’  
-‘I was joking, Soo-chan. I promised I wouldn’t do anything you weren’t ready for.’  
-‘ I know.’  
-‘That’s good…’  
-‘Say, Kazuki?’  
-‘Yeah?’  
-‘Why did you give me those books?’  
-‘The same reason why I brought you to that entertainment building. Perception.’  
-‘Perception?’  
-‘Figure it out yourself.’  
-‘I’m not your student, Kazuki.’  
-‘Oh but you are, aren’t you? I thought we agreed on that.’  
-‘… Whatever.’  
-‘You coming now?’  
-‘… Yes.’  
-‘I will wait for you.’  
He hung up.  
                                                                                                              ♦

As he was waiting in front of Kazuki’s flat –number two on the third floor- he began doubting his earlier choice. Why did he even want to talk to the other? Yes, he was easy to talk to, and yes, he was also the first person he could ask the questions he had been carrying in his mind for a while to, but Kazuki was also really hard to read. That, and the fact that he didn’t want to sound too eager kept him from knocking on the door for a while.  
In the end he did it anyway.

When the door opened, he felt shocked. Not because of the speed with which the door had been opened- though that had been pretty impressive too- but because Kazuki was… well… totally shirtless. And though he wasn't that well build, since he was rather thin, the uncovered skin still caught him of guard. When said boy noticed what Joshua was looking at, he smirked. ‘Like what you see?’  
‘Put a shirt on.’ Joshua demanded.  
‘Yes, Soo-chan,’ the other replied mockingly while gesturing for him to come inside and follow him. They passed through a very little hall and then arrived in a room that contained two tables, a little kitchen-ish thing, a door and a bed. It was tiny, but neat and apparently that little space was everything Kazuki needed. The latter had also started talking again in the meantime: ‘You know, I actually _was_ in the process of putting clothes on- I normally walk around naked here- but you arrived sooner than I expected you too and- oh,’ he was shut up when he felt Joshua’s finger tracing some lines on the back of his neck. Joshua hadn’t really meant to do such a shameless thing, but as soon as he had seen the tattoo on the back of Kazuki’s neck, he had felt fascinated and unable to stop himself. It was a drawing of an opened cage, accompanied by some Japanese characters he couldn’t read. ‘What does it say?’ He asked, curiously.  
Kazuki turned around. ‘Until all cages are empty. Or at least, that’s what I’ve been told, since I can’t read Japanese, as you know already.’  
‘Did it hurt?’  
Kazuki frowned. ‘Getting the tattoo?’  
‘Yeah. I’ve been told it hurts a lot.’  
‘There are things that hurt a lot more.’  
Joshua kept silent for a moment, and then realised Kazuki was still in the same state of undress. ‘Can you please put a shirt on now?’  
Kazuki laughed. ‘I could. Should I though? Hmmm…. Does my naked chest really bother you that much, Soo-chan?’  
With a flustered face, Joshua told him that wasn’t the case. Sure, it confused him, but it was not like he had never seen other guys being shirtless before.  
‘Hey, did you already touch another man’s naked chest once?’ Kazuki suddenly asked, sounding interested in a way Joshua knew he was up to no good. The question reminded him of his dream, and so his face heated up even more. _Damn._

Before he could protest, Kazuki had taken his hand and placed it onto his own chest. As soon as Joshua realised what he was doing, he tore his hand away. Kazuki just smiled mysteriously and let himself fall down backwards on his own bed. ‘So? What does it feel like? A man’s chest? Compared to a woman’s?’ He asked, with a grin plastered on his face.  
‘As if you don’t know that,’ Joshua replied, shaking his head and taking place on the bed as well. For some reason, he wasn’t even mad.  
‘Course I do. But I’m asking you.’  
‘It’s… hard.’ He said, after a short moment of thinking. There was no other way to describe it. A woman’s chest was soft, and … round. A man’s was hard and flat, yet that didn’t make it any… less beautiful. He sighed.  
The wicked smile appeared on Kazuki’s face again.  ‘I guess it is… You know what else can be har-’  
‘Don’t. I don’t want to hear that stuff.’ Joshua said and surprised the both of them by placing a finger onto Kazuki’s lips and successfully preventing him from making the dirty joke.  
Kazuki’s eyes shone brightly in response and suddenly he darted out his tongue to lick Joshua’s finger. Completely paralyzed, Joshua felt  a shiver go down his spine. Then he noticed how Kazuki was looking up at him like a cat- that kind of look a cat gives you when she knows she has done something wrong but she doesn’t mind _because_ she’s a cat-  and immediately backed away, breaking the tension that had arisen between the two of them. He didn’t like Kazuki, not in that way, that at least he was sure of, but the act had been….exciting in a way. Being intimate with the girls had always brought feelings of guilt to the surface for him, but at the same time it had been comforting and warm. Being with Kazuki wasn’t _warm_ at all, but at least Joshua knew for sure he wasn’t the one supposed to feel guilty this time. Kazuki had never confessed his love either, like the girls had  always done, which meant there were no expectations for him to fulfil at all.  And that alone was comforting in a way as well. However, he couldn’t deny –being completely honest with himself- that he also  plainly _liked_ the tension between them. He liked the thrill, no matter how wrong it was. He had never really _disliked_ making love to the girls either after all. During most of the times, he had felt the attraction, just like now- Kazuki was a handsome male after all- but just not in a romantic way. It confused him terribly and made him wonder about how much of an awful person he actually was.  ‘Stop that…’ he whispered.  
‘You’re no fun at all, Soo- chan.’ Kazuki complained, but he did back away a little. ‘Anyway, you came here to talk. What did you want to say?’  
That’s right. He was here to talk after all. Just for talking, he reminded himself.  
‘I dreamed about you.’ He said.

Kazuki’s eyes widened instantly. ‘You missed me that much? Well, I know I’m irresistible of course, but I thought you kind of disliked-’  
‘As a woman.’ He added and he couldn’t help but secretly enjoy seeing the annoyed expression that appeared on the face of the other. He knew he was not supposed to, but it felt great to … pay Kazuki back a little for what he had done earlier on. Or at least, that’s how he saw it.  
Kazuki’s smug expression vanished. ‘What the fuck?’  
Joshua laughed.  
                                                                                                        ♦

‘So you’re telling me you’ve been having these kind of dreams for weeks now? Always the same? Always about that same boy too?’  
Joshua nodded. ‘Yeah. It’s probably because of them too that I… became more aware of everything.’  
‘You did?’  
‘I don’t know. But I don’t think I would have given in so easily to you, if you had tried the same thing one year ago.’  
Kazuki seemed to be deep in thought. ‘So you’re saying that it- in a way- did change your views of homosexuality and that’s why you agreed to me so easily?’  
‘No… no, not my views on homosexuality. My views on… myself changed.’ Joshua replied.  
‘… What do you mean?’  
Joshua took a deep breath and leaned a bit backwards until has back hit the wall. He had made sure to keep a safe distance between them this time.  
‘I never disliked gay people. I never thought homosexuality was truly bad either, even though I’m a Christian. Heck, Jezus himself even told us to love everyone. Who would I be to go against that?’ He paused and didn’t notice how Kazuki chuckled because of his sudden outburst. ‘But I… I just never wanted to be one myself. Not because I disliked it, but because almost everyone else does. Especially here, in this country.’ His voice began to waver, but Kazuki didn’t stop him. ‘I said it before, didn’t I? I slept with those girls because I didn’t want to disappoint them. And for that same reason, I never gave in to my feelings, because … because knowing you’ve disappointed everyone is just the worst feeling in the world.’

Admitting that didn’t exactly make him feel better.

‘Yeah. I know.’  
Joshua swiftly turned his head to the side upon hearing Kazuki’s unexpected remark. The other looked rather uncomfortable, yet he still smiled. ‘Sometimes you just have no other choice,’ He said staring at his lap and then went silent.  
Joshua tore his gaze away and bit on his own lip in confusion, to keep himself busy with something since he didn’t really know what to say, worrying if he had maybe unintentionally hurt the other.  
He bit his lip even harder.

Suddenly, he felt Kazuki crawling closer again and before he could back away, the other boy had placed a hand on Joshua’s cheek and forced the boy to face him. ‘You’re bleeding!’  
_Oh.  
He was?_  
He absentmindedly sucked on his lip. _Right. Blood._  
‘Sorry.’ He said.  
Kazuki pulled his hand away, as if in shock. ‘Don’t apologize for such a thing.’  
‘I was just thinking. I didn’t notice.’ Joshua said absentmindedly, defending himself, without realising the situation didn’t call for that at all. That he didn’t have to.  
At that, the other boy just shook his head and got off the bed. ‘Well, continue your thinking then. I’m gonna get ready.’ He smirked. ‘You know, put a shirt on and such. Which I could have done way earlier if you hadn’t been keeping me busy with questions about dirty dreams.’  
‘Wha-’ Joshua protested, but Kazuki had already disappeared through the door which probably led to his bathroom. Joshua buried his face in his hands. He wasn’t blushing at all. _He was._  
He closed his eyes to organize his thoughts better, but all he could see were the scenes from the earlier dream, replaying themselves again and again  and that obviously didn’t help him to calm down. Instead, he felt his face heating up more and so he pulled up his knees and put his head in between them, as if to hide his thoughts. Which only made him even more self-conscious and he groaned in frustration.

He was sure the tension between him and Kazuki and the fact that he was in a gay boy’s – a shirtless one even!- house had been triggers for his thoughts to bubble up so freely. Otherwise, he wouldn’t have ever been so daring. Coming over to Kazuki’s house was probably one of the most stupid things he could have ever done. But he was there anyway, so those thoughts didn’t matter. If there was one thing the boy had learned in his life,  it was that the past could not be changed.

‘You’re still here.’ Kazuki remarked with a smile when he came back and sat down again.  
 The other boy answered with a wry smile of his own. ‘I couldn’t run.’  
‘Because I’m blackmailing you?’  
‘That too. But you helped me, Kazuki.’ He said and wondered why he was admitting that now. ‘Because thanks to you, I finally understand what I never should have done.’  
Kazuki laughed. ‘That doesn’t sound like a good thing, you know.’  
‘It is though.’ Joshua said. ‘Because now…. I feel like I finally understand my own mind and I didn’t really want to before.’  
‘Talking about the boy of your dreams?’  
Joshua closed his eyes and leaned back against the wall again. ‘Jackpot… _sensei_.’  
Kazuki didn’t seem to mind the mocking tone the other boy had used and instead leaned back as well. ‘Do you want to talk about him? I have a lecture in an hour, but I will just skip it.’ He suggested.  
Joshua’s eyes snapped open. ‘Your education is more important than me! If I had known you had a lecture coming up, I wouldn’t have come over!’  
‘But I didn’t feel like going anyway.’ The raven replied with a playful smirk. ‘And I know you need it. To talk, I mean.’  
Joshua just sighed. Maybe he did indeed need it.  
He talked.

                                                                                                             ♦

‘Are you sure you aren’t just confusing love and friendship? You only got these dreams recently, and people have dirty dreams about people they aren’t in love with all the time anyway.’ Kazuki suggested after listening to Joshua’s whole –rather short- story.  
‘Kazuki,’ Joshua started and then broke up his sentence; because was he even sure himself of what he was going to say? He was not.  
‘I think…,’ He restarted and then sighed. This kind of talk about love was not exactly his cup of tea. ‘Liking him was just a natural thing for me to do. So natural that I didn’t know where the line between love and friendship was.’ He then blurted out.  
‘And you do now?’  
‘I’m… I’m not entirely sure. But I think so. There’s never been a person I’ve felt more comfortable around than him. There’s never been anyone who understood me better. There’s never been… there’s never been anyone like him in my life again. I… I miss him a lot.’ Joshua admitted, pulling up his knees once again, because he felt vulnerable, like if he had given his soul to Kazuki and now hoped for him not to crush it.  
All Kazuki said however was: ‘You should have told him that when he confessed to you.’  
Joshua clenched his fists. ‘Like if I don’t know that, idiot.’  
The other boy smiled. ‘Am I the idiot or are you talking about yourself?’  
‘… Both maybe.’ He waited shortly before continuing. ‘I… I was really scared, Kazuki.’  
‘And are you now?’  
He honestly didn’t know. ‘I think so.’  
‘Do you think you would accept him if he confessed to you again now?’ Kazuki asked.  
‘I don’t know.’ Joshua admitted. ‘I’m not sure, but I feel like I could fight for it now. Maybe. We… we would have to hide everything… probably, but I think that… if he confessed to me now, maybe I could have given it a chance.’ He wasn’t really sure if he believed his own words, since everything was still really confusing to him.  
‘But what you’re asking is pointless anyway, he’s in America and he has a boyfriend.’ He added. ‘And he probably hates me for rejecting him in such a half-assed way.’  
Kazuki turned his head sideways. ‘Well, you don’t know that last one for sure. But… now that you’ve admitted all of this to yourself, don’t you think this is the ideal time to try to… move on?’  
Joshua laughed bitterly. ‘I would like to. I’ve been trying so for the past years, but as you know; those feelings won’t let me.’  
‘Yeah. I know. Sorry.’ Kazuki replied. ‘It would be nice if love worked the way we wanted to, wouldn’t it?’  
Figuring that was a rhetoric question, Joshua didn’t reply. There was silence in the room for a few minutes, and just when the boy started feeling so awkward that he almost said something again, Kazuki beat him to it. ‘I didn’t record what you said.’  
‘What?’  
‘I didn’t record it. When you said you liked boys as well.’  
Joshua’s thoughts immediately became a mess. ‘You… you lied?’  
‘Yeah. I thought it was the only way to get you to talk to me again after seeing your horrified expression when you had said it out loud.’ Kazuki admitted, expression blank and unreadable.  
‘But… but why? Why did you need to go so far for me?’  
‘I said it before, didn’t I?’ Kazuki replied. ‘I felt sorry for you.’  
Joshua sighed in frustration, because those words somehow hurt him. ‘I don’t need your pity.’ It surprised him he could keep his voice calm. When he took a good look at Kazuki’s face again however, the sadness in his eyes when he muttered some words shocked Joshua. ‘You did. You reminded me of myself when I first discovered the truth about myself.’  
The boy felt his anger slip away and didn’t ask any further. He wanted to be mad at Kazuki, but he couldn’t. He had wanted it to. He had wanted someone to talk to. If there was anyone to be angry at, it was himself for being unable to keep his desires to himself like he had for so long.

‘Kazuki?’  
‘I’m sorry, Soo-chan.’  
‘I know.’ Joshua closed his eyes. _He knew._  
‘I mean it. I just want you to know that I only wanted to help you. It’s true that I hoped I would get some fun out of well and that I had other selfish reasons, but most of all I wanted to save you from your own thoughts.’  
Joshua opened his eyes again and got on his knees, placing his hands on the other boy’s shoulders. ‘It’s okay.’ He said. ‘I said I was grateful anyway. But I have one request.’  
Kazuki smiled again at that, but Joshua noticed how it was forced. He had gotten quite good at this; defining Kazuki’s smiles. The boy smiled too much for his own good.  
‘I will do anything, Soo- chan. Especially if it’s an indecent request. I’m always up for that.’  
Joshua rolled his eyes. ‘Idiot.’  
‘Sorry.’ Kazuki said, but he surely didn’t sound like he was. ‘What did you want to ask?’  
‘Don’t ever fall in love with me.’  
And for once, Joshua got to see Kazuki’s serious expression again. ‘I won’t.’

                                                                                                      ♦

‘I’m going to a bar tonight.’ Kazuki announced calmly later on. ‘Want to come as well? It’s that kind of bar.’  
‘I think I’m not quite ready for that, Kazuki.’  
The other guy nodded. ‘Are you sure? All kinds of people come there. Maybe even some bisexual girls if you really prefer those.’  
‘I’m fine. Thanks, but I think I will wait a bit before getting into a new relationship.’ Joshua said and he meant it. If there was a new girl going to confess to him, he would tell her he already loved someone else. _Because that was the truth._

_♦_

During the following weeks, calling Kazuki after waking up from The Dream became like a habit. He didn’t feel the undeniable urge to visit him anymore though, too afraid of witnessing that same, strange tension again. He also couldn’t put a certain feeling of uneasiness aside. It wasn’t like their friendship so far- and could the bond between them even really be called friendship already?- had been based on mutual trust or understanding, like healthy friendship-bonds should be. Yet he didn’t regret it.  
He didn’t regret meeting Kazuki.  
So he had no clue why he still felt so uneasy even after considering all those things. If anything he was supposed to feel happy for not being blackmailed anymore. But instead… it made him feel rather scared. If he continued to meet up with the other boy, it would truly be by his own choice. It would be his own choice to hang out with a gay boy who –to put it quite bluntly- considered him as attractive and who also wouldn’t refuse if Joshua ever said he wanted to try out some sexual things, even though they weren’t in love with each other. He fully realised that and it scared him.  
It wasn’t that he was afraid that Kazuki would force him into something he didn’t want to, but rather that he would eventually allow him to do so. It was the same kind of fear he had felt when he had noticed Junghan’s feelings back then, though he had liked Junghan more and they had also been a lot younger. The past was maybe really unescapable.

                                                                                                ♦

One of the phone calls:

-“You had that same dream again?”  
-“Yeah…”  
-“Well… it’s not like you would ever call me otherwise, isn’t it, Soo-chan?”  
-“That’s… that’s not true.”  
*Silence on both sides of the line*  
-“Kazuki… I… Do you think what I’m doing is really hopeless?”  
-“I wouldn’t say that. I think you’re admirable for staying so true to your own feelings.”  
-“… But I am not, Kazuki. The only thing I’ve been doing ever since he left is lying.”  
-“Still, if I were you, I would have given up on those kind of feelings long ago. I’m the type to fool around with anyone, as long as it feels good. You’re way more real than me in that way.”  
-“But I _did_ fool around with all those girls, Kazuki!”  
-“From what you’ve told me, it didn’t sound like you were _fooling around_ with them, Soo-chan.”  
*Silence again.*  
-“Stop blaming yourself for everything, Soo-chan. It’s not your fault.”  
*Slight chuckling from Joshua’s side of the line*  
-“That’s the only thing you can’t ask, Kazuki. I can’t just _stop_ blaming myself; that’s impossible.”  
-“That’s _the only thing I can’t ask_ , huh?”  
-“Ugh, pervert. I didn’t mean it that way.”  
*Laughter from Kazuki’s side of the line.*  
-“I know that, Soo-chan. I was trying to relieve some tension.”  
-“Yeah… I know… But Kazuki, I _am_ being serious here. You’re so open about it, so you might not understand, but it really hurts me when I’m around people and the only thing I can think about is how I am deceiving them, and how they would react if I told them the truth. And I don’t mean just the girls I’ve dated but… everyone. My best friends, my parents, my classmates… If they knew of my thoughts, of my dreams, of what I might feel for another guy… I… I just can’t do this much longer, Kazuki.”  
-“You sound desperate, Soo-chan.”  
-“… I am sorry, I’m normally not like this, but-”  
-“Don’t apologize. Being able to let everything out is a good thing.”  
-“You know, Kazuki? Somehow I kind of hate you for making me admit all of this to myself.”  
*Faint laughter on Kazuki’s side of the line*  
-“I don’t mind being hated if it means I can help you, Soo-chan. I was prepared for that from the moment I pretended to blackmail you after all. I’d rather have you hate me than yourself.”  
-“… But why?”  
-“You have something so innocent and fragile about you. I just don’t want you to get broken.”  
-“That sounds awfully poetic, Kazuki.”  
-“But you’re smiling, aren’t you?”  
-“… yeah.”  
-“That’s why I’m doing, this, Soo-chan. I am not a great person. I’m frivolous, vain and I treat things way too lightly, and believe me, I realise all of that, but… I don’t even know… I just felt this need to help you when I first saw you. It’s probably just a way of licking my own wounds, trying to treat you better to forget about all the bad things I’ve done myself… and actually I am even messing up this, but I feel like I just… I just want to? Maybe it’s also because I knew I would have felt really guilty if  bad things happened to you and I knew I could have stopped them from happening, I don’t know. Maybe it’s only because you remind me of myself, years ago, and maybe I’m helping you to make myself feel like a better person. It’s probably a selfish reason, because that’s the kind of person I am, Soo-chan. I’m terribly selfish.”  
*Silence on both sides*  
-“Did that destroy your image of me?”  
-“No… I’m selfish too, Kazuki. If anything… I think it makes me feel better to know that you aren’t doing this as some kind of charity and that I… I don’t really know… I knew you were this kind of person from the start. If you were awfully kind it would have only made me feel worse, I think.”  
*A lot of sighs from one side of the line, and chuckles from the other side.*  
“Gosh, I’m messed up.”  
*Laugher from Kazuki’s side.*  
-“That sounds weird coming from your mouth, Soo-chan. Please be honest more often.”  
-“I wish I could.”  
-“Oh shit, my boss is here, I have to hang up.”  
-“Your boss? Wait… You work?”  
-“Are you showing interest in me, Soo-chan? But yeah, I work at the bar I invited you to last time. It’s a great place to get to know people…. - _Oh, damn, fine, I am coming!-_ And I don’t think I told you this before, but I actually study at the same campus as you too, Soo-chan. English studies. - _I get the bar is opening in a few minutes, I SAID I was coming!-_ Ugh, sorry, Soo-chan, my boss can be really annoying . – _No it’s not my boyfriend on the phone, you know I don’t do boyfriends!-_ Uhm, well, talk to you later!”  
-“Wait! I… uhm lied. I don’t hate you.”  
-“I know, Soo-chan.”  
*End phone call*  
 

A second phone call

-“Kazuki, how did you come out of the closet?”  
-“Wow, wow Soo-chan, what’s with the sudden question?”  
-“I don’t know… I just want to know.”  
-“Fine. I just told my parents I was gay and that was it. My sister said she already knew and I never really told my friends, but I never kept it a secret from them either. I just explained it to the people who asked. Then I joined some online groups, met up with some people who were like me, made more friends and eventually I started working at the bar. That’s basically it.”  
*Silence*  
-“Somehow that’s really disappointing…”  
*Laughter on Kazuki’s side of the line.  
-“Did you expect a horrible story with fights and unacceptance, Soo-chan?”  
-“… I don’t know. You just make it sound so…. so terribly easy.”  
-“It wasn’t always easy. The worst moment was when my little sister got bullied at her school for having a gay brother. That moment really got me, because it wasn’t her fault at all.”  
*Silence on both sides*  
-“But it wasn’t that hard either, Soo-chan. The media makes it look like homosexuality isn’t accepted at all. That’s not true. There are some people who’re really opposed to it, but the majority holds a ‘not our life; we don’t care’-attitude, you know? It’s not that hard. Of course there are mean remarks, of course there is hate and of course there are moments during which you wish that you had been born as someone else. Moments during which you want to change yourself and become _normal._ But normal doesn’t exist, Soo-chan. All you have to remember is that you are who you are and love who you love and that’s all what truly matters. Maybe you just have really strict parents, but the world really isn’t as bad and unaccepting as you think it is.”  
-“My parents aren’t… they aren’t that strict.”  
-“Then why don’t you just tell them?”  
-“… I don’t know. I… I just don’t dare to, Kazuki.”  
-“That’ fine. Take your time. But remember that if they turn out to be angry, they are the ones at fault and not you. Being ga- bisexual isn’t a crime, but parents not loving their children for such a reason is.”  
-“Then what did your parents say?”  
-“My mother just looked at me and said: “With these clothes, do you seriously think I didn’t suspect anything, honey?” And my father looked at my sister and said he would count on her for his grandchildren. She choked on her tea and cursed at him and he laughed. It was pretty funny actually. I was honestly scared shitless but they didn’t seem to mind at all.”  
-“They sound like great people.”  
-“They are. Maybe it’s because we’ve lived in a few different countries, but they’ve always been very accepting and open-minded.”  
-“You’re lucky…”  
-“Yeah, I guess I am.”  
*Silence*  
-“Say, Kazuki, have you- have you ever had a boyfriend? You said you don’t do them, but do you really only have one night stands then?”  
*Silence*  
-“I’m… I’m sorry if that was too personal!”  
-“No, it’s okay. You can ask whatever you want. I don’t mind. I was just thinking about an answer…  
 I’ve gone out with a few people, but the thought of… I don’t really know how to explain it, but the thought of having to stay with someone for your entire lifetime scares me. It’s just so… long. So that’s why I’m never able to keep my relationships. But I do like to feel… you know… admired and loved and such. That’s why I said I will fool around with anyone as long as it will feel good.”  
-“That’s quite sad.”  
*Laugher on Kazuki’s side of the line*  
-“You think so? But I like it this way. I don’t have any restrictions.”  
-“But have you … like not ever been in love before then?”  
-“Of course I have, Soo-chan. My problem is that I crash out of love just as fast as I fall in love. I get bored way too easily.”  
-“And then they call _me_ a heartbreaker.”  
*laugher again*  
-“ I said I was a horrible person, didn’t I?”  
-“Don’t you feel- don’t you feel incredibly sorry for the people you’ve gone out with for so short then?”  
-“Not really.”  
-“That’s really harsh.”  
-“Is it? But Soo-chan, that’s just the kind of person I am. And I’ve stopped doing that anyway, I just have one night stands now.”  
-“I… Uhm I’m sorry if this sounds really rude, but isn’t that almost like prostituting yourself then?”  
*Loud laughter on Kazuki’s side of the line*  
“I don’t just give myself to anyone, Soo-chan. I don’t ask money for it either. I just sleep with people who want to sleep with me at times we both want to. There’s nothing wrong with that, isn’t it? Besides, didn’t you do a similar thing with this girls?”  
-“I never just had one night stands with them! And I truly-I truly tried to love them…”  
-“Do you finally understand now why I said you’re better at staying true to your feelings than me?”  
*Silence on both sides of the line*  
-“But don’t you long for someone to be able to share everything with?”  
-“I don’t, Soo-chan. Maybe I will change later, but for now I enjoy this kind of life. And it isn’t like I don’t know that what I did in the past was wrong. That’s why I said I wanted to help you as a way to soothe myself. But it isn’t like I feel that guilty about it either. It’s in the past, it happened.”  
-“Then when you said you understood the feeling of having disappointed someone-”  
-“I was talking about them yes, but in the first place about my sister.”  
-“Oh…”  
-“Soo-chan, you really believe in love, don’t you?”  
-“I’d like to.”  
-“Please continue doing so.”  
-“I will try.”  
  
A third phone call

-“Yo, Soo-chan. What’s up?”  
-“Nothing much. I just wanted to talk. Can’t I?”  
-“You can, it’s just that you don’t often call me for no reason.”  
-“I think I’ve come to like calling you.”  
-“I’m glad.”  
*Silence on both sides of the line*  
-“Say, Soo-chan, what do you actually think of me?”  
-“You… kind of feel like an older, knowledgeable brother to me now.”  
*A weird sound on Kazuki’s side of the line*  
-“Uhm, Kazuki, are you okay?”  
-“Did you just family-zone me, Soo-chan?”  
*Laugher on Joshua’s side of the line*  
-“I guess I did.”  
-“Do you have actual siblings, Soo-chan?”  
-“I don’t.”  
-“Then I guess I am fine with being your brother. It’s an improvement from being your teacher I guess.”  
-“That’s an improvement?”  
-“Yeah. Teachers are boring.”  
-“Yet you wanted to be one.”  
-“Don’t talk back to your _hyung_.”  
*Laugher on both sides of the line*  
-“I just said something I will regret, I think.”  
-“Add _hyung_. Call me _hyung_.”  
-“No freaking way.”  
-“Then _aniki_. Try it.”  
-“No.”  
-“You’re no fun, Soo-chan.”  
*Silence on both sides of the line*  
-“Kazuki?”  
-“… yeah?”  
-“Do you think I’m a bad person?”  
-“Bad people don’t exist. Nobody is totally bad or good. That’s what makes us human, Soo-chan.”  
-“Yet you call yourself horrible.”  
-“Yeah but I also think I’m handsome, wonderful, hard-working, sma-”  
-“Okay, stop, I get it.”  
-“Just don’t ever allow yourself to think you’re a bad person, Soo-chan. You have your flaws, but so does everyone.”  
-“I will try, Kazuki.”

Two days before the present

Joshua was standing in the main hall of the College of Humanities building with a group of guys around him, consisting of his friends from the Comparative Literature class. Suddenly one of his friends pointed at another guy, standing a bit further away, talking to a beautiful girl with long hair. Joshua’s gasped when he realised that guy was no one less than Kazuki. It had been a while since he had actually seen him and not only spoken to him, but it made him feel nervous to see him in these circumstances, with his uni friends around him. He knew it was coward-ish but he didn’t want them to know about their connection. His friend however, had other plans as he turned around again to face his friends. ‘That’s Kazuki. I met him at a party last week. He’s pretty nice and man- can he hold his liquor! He drank so much but he didn’t even look wasted in the slightest. I talked to him for a while and then it turned out he also goes to this campus. He does English studies, because he’s from Australia.”  
“Actually, he’s from Japan,” Joshua wanted to say, but he remained silent, not wanting to turn the attention to himself.  
Another of his friends frowned. “Isn’t he that gay one?”  
Joshua held his breath. He felt really nervous, like he was afraid that his cover would be blown if he even dared to say one word, though that possibility was not very high if he thought rationally about it. Yet he couldn’t.  
His first friend spoke up again. “Yeah. But he’s really nice. Didn’t try anything weird during the whole party. Joshua resisted the urge to roll his eyes. _Well, duh._  
A third friend joined the conversation. “My mom always said the foreigners brought gayness to Korea… maybe it’s because he’s Australian?”  
At that, Joshua really had to keep himself from burying his face in his hands.  
The second friend also spoke up again. “You know… I’ve always wondered how it must feel to have a you know… to have it in your ass. That's how they do it, right?”  
Joshua’s eyes widened at that. _Oh. My. God._  
His third friend couldn’t stop laughing. ‘Are you one too? Why would you even want to know?”  
“I’m not! I was just curious!”  
A few of his friends continued laughing while the first one smirked. “Why don’t we just ask him? I bet he wouldn’t mind!” And before anyone could stop him, he turned around and screamed: “Hey, Kazuki, my friend here wants to know how it feels to have a dick in your ass!” He pointed at the friend who had originally asked it, and who was now hiding his face in embarrassment, yet Joshua felt like everyone was looking at him instead. Kazuki however, turned around too and smiled, seemingly not bothered by all the attention. “Should I show you?” He replied with a smirk, looking at the group of friends, but Joshua was a hundred percent sure he was staring straight at _him_ while saying it and he nearly blushed. _Damn you._

That evening, when he called Kazuki, the first thing Kazuki asked was: “So? Are you curious too?”  
-“About what?”  
-“About how it feels. Anal sex.”  
-“Don’t ask me that, Kazuki!”  
-“But you are, aren’t you? You’re curious.”  
-“Am not! I know how it works!”  
-“Knowing and experiencing isn’t the same…”  
-“Oh shut up, Kazuki.”  
-“And if he asked you? If Junghan turned up and asked you to have s-”  
-“Stop talking about things that won’t happen.”  
-“But what if? Would you allow him to?”  
-“Shut up, Kazuki.”  
-You so would. I can hear it in your voice.”  
-“Shut up, Kazuki.”  
-“After all, don’t you do it in your dreams?”  
-“What? I never told you about that, I-”  
-“Jackpot! I was right, wasn’t I?”  
*Silence*  
-“Did you seriously think I would believe you never went any further than hugging and kissing in those dreams? I’m a man too, you know.”  
-“Oh, shut up, Kazuki.”  
-“Are you blushing? You are blushing, aren’t you?”  
-“Good night, Kazuki.”  
-“Heh. Good night, Soo-chan. Have fun with your dirty dreams tonight~”  
-“I told you it wasn’t like - _beep-_ … Did he just hang up on me?”  
That night he dreamed.

The Dream 3.0

He’s sitting on a cold and messy floor. It’s dark. Outside- He can see through the broken windows of the room he has found himself in- and inside. There are cobwebs on  the walls, on said floor, and on the ceiling. It’s supposed to be scary, he knows that, but he’s not afraid. Should he?

Not at all. The darkness feels safe. Somehow.

There’s this woman… in front of him. She looks familiar, in a way he can’t quite grasp. There’s also a guy, but Joshua can’t see his face. It’s not that important either.  
Then, swiftly, the woman offers him a glass. He has no idea where she has gotten it from, but he takes it, and so she fills it to the brim with some red liquid. A poisonous kind of scarlet red. It looks dangerous. She tells him to drink it, and he obeys. When the first droplets slide down his throat, he can feel his body becoming heavier and involuntary drops the glass. It shatters to the ground. He’s losing control. He thinks he might like it.

The unknown guy comes closer and drops to the floor, next to Joshua. The woman, on the other hand, stands up and leaves the room. ‘He’s all yours, sweetheart,’ she says with a wicked smile before closing the oak door. Maybe she’s saying it to the both of them.

The guys turns toward Joshua, and places his head on the latter’s forehead. “Are you okay?” He asks, and touches him carefully like Joshua is a rare flower who has to be treated with extreme kindness. And somehow that action triggers something inside him and he closes his eyes and allows himself to fall forward against the other’s chest, waiting for the latter  to wrap his hands around his him. Which he does, eventually, and it makes Joshua feel so protected, like no one will be able to make him feel pain ever again as long as he stays this close to him. He belongs in the arms of the other, and he knows it. That he trusts him and that he’s doing the right thing. And that’s enough for him; more than enough.

So the truth naturally flows out of him. “I’m not okay,” he mutters, because he isn’t. He needs the other, and even though he has him this close to him, he feels strangely empty and unsatisfied. He’s hungry, extremely hungry for more. He needs confirmation, needs to be sure the other won’t be gone as soon as he opens his eyes, because somehow he knows that might happen. But at the same time those arms are locking him up right into the place he wants to be imprisoned in and his mind keeps going totally blank.  
“Don’t let me escape…”, he adds swiftly, voice slightly unstable, though he has no idea why he is pleading like this. When the other doesn’t reply, Joshua pulls his head away and opens his eyes.

The other guy’s face is almost fully covered by long hair but Joshua still spots a tear sliding over his cheeks. It has a reddish glance, almost like the other is crying out blood. It leaves a red trace and Joshua reaches out his hand to gently wipe it away, also pushing the other’s hair aside in the process. The face that becomes revealed is a familiar one, and at the same time it also isn’t. It doesn’t shock him however, as if he didn’t expect it to look any different.  ‘Please stop crying,’ he says softly when he sees another red droplet forming in the corner of the other’s eyes. But the other doesn’t respond to his words and instead stares at him, pupils wandering, like he can’t _actually_ see him. Joshua feels the emptiness gradually spreading inside of him. _He’s already losing him._

Joshua pulls the other into a tight hug, trying to make it impossible for him to sneak away. He knows the other doesn’t want that either. ‘I’m not letting you go.’ He declares and as soon as those words leave his mouth, the other’s guy becomes focused again. ‘I won’t let you escape either.’  
Lightly smiling, Joshua whispers: ‘I wouldn’t want you to.’ And then they stay like that for a while, because being this close feels nice and they both like it and words aren’t necessary anymore. It’s only when a beam of red light breaks through the window and illuminates the room more that they break away in confusion. Suddenly, Joshua realises what they’re wearing, and the other seems to have realised it as well and holds his breath. The white robes they’re clothed with seem like they come straight out of a cheap horror movie where innocent people get slaughtered by some strange cults as an offering for their god. They look like those sacrifices right now, the red light on their clothes symbolizing the blood. Then Joshua’s eyes fall on the glass he dropped on the floor before. There are splatters of red left inside. Somehow, it really gives away the impression of a Last Meal and he can feel his stomach drop. Just when he wants to stand up, the other pulls at his arm with a surprising force. ‘Don’t. Trust me.’  
‘I trust you’, he replies, because he does, and then the world slows down again.

When he regains the ability to think, he notices he’s still in the other’s arms but in a complete different place. The scenery has changed completely; they are outside now and around them is… nothing as far as he can see. The ground they’re sitting on feels granular, and has a reddish glance through the influence of the red lights shining in the sky-that at least hasn’t changed. For some reason however, he doesn’t feel afraid anymore. It’s only then that he notices how the other is trembling inside his arms. ‘Are you scared?’, he asks, but the only reply he gets from the other is an ‘I’m sorry!’ and a feverish glance.  
‘It’s okay,’ Joshua says, trying to soothe him, but it doesn’t really seem to work. He stares at the other’s face and the only thing he can think of is that he wants that worried expression to disappear and so he blurts out the first thing that comes to his mind. ‘I.. I really want to kiss you right now.’  
And as soon as the sentence has left his mouth, a feeling of _rightness_ washes over him, indicating that really was the right thing to say. The other doesn’t reply with words but instead places a hand at the back of Joshua’s neck and pulls him into a kiss. Though it surprises him that the other is taking the lead, he gladly gives in and kisses him back. It’s not a beautiful kiss. It’s hard, messy and their teeth are clashing but somehow it’s all Joshua needs and he tries to press them even tighter together. He feels a cold tear touching his cheek, but it’s not his own and though he is incredibly worried he knows the other doesn’t want to stop so he doesn’t either. He… He really wants to touch him even more. He craves it so badly he might die if he doesn’t.

And then it’s all… over.

Suddenly they are pulled away from each other, and Joshua wants to scream but holds it back when he sees the peaceful expression on the face of the other, who’s muttering some barely audible words: ‘It had to be this way.’  
And then all he can see are hands, hands taking the other away from him, dozens of them. Nobody seems to be controlling them; they are just hands, floating in plain air. And the same kind of hands are pulling him backwards and though he really feels the need to scream now, one of them is placed on top of his lips and forbidding him from doing so. He tries to bite that hand, but it doesn’t back away; and can detached, floating hands even feel pain? They probably don’t.

When they’re more or less two meters apart from each other, the hands stop moving, yet they continue keeping them in place, making it impossible for them to move. Joshua tries to study the face of the other, searching for the possible fear depicted on it, but his hair is covering his expression for the second time and so Joshua has to give up.

And then he hears a sudden voice in his ear, which almost makes his heart skip a beat. ‘Watch closely.’ The voice demands. It almost sounds like a whisper, like the wind is talking to him. And so he watches. He sees how the hands are ripping the upper part of Junghan’s robe apart, exposing his bare chest. Just when he nearly feels like fainting, because his head is spinning like a windmill, the voice resounds again. ‘Isn’t this what you wanted to do to him?’ It’s a honest question, no anger included. If anything, it sounds rather curious. But it makes Joshua’s stomach drop again.  
_No. This isn’t what he wants._

‘Didn’t you want to see him like this?’ The voice continues. In the meantime the hands have started to caress his face in a loving way like he’s some pet that has to be coddled.  
‘Didn’t you want to touch him this way?’  
_No. … Yes, he wants to touch him, but not… not in this forceful way._  
‘Are you jealous of my hands?’  
_He is not. If anything, he wants to cry because the voice makes him feel incredibly guilty for his earlier thoughts. He never intended to… soil the other in this way._  
‘He loves you. He would have gladly done it for you.’

 

The Day During Which The Present Takes Place

Joshua woke up covered in sweat that morning, the last words of his dream still resounding in his head. _He would have gladly done it for you._ And all he wanted was to scream, to let it all out, because he felt so overwhelmed by sadness. Yet he didn’t, not wanting to disturb his flatmates.

Suddenly the realisation hit him that the Junghan of his dream- for of course it had been Junghan; he even remembered the face this time- had had long hair, like on his photos on the internet. The exact same photos Joshua had been looking at a lot more than he would have liked to have admitted. It was the first time he remembered such a specific detail and somehow it made him feel even more miserable; _because there was no doubt it was Junghan anymore now, wasn’t there?_ He felt like he wanted to drown in self-pity, but at the same time he cursed himself for still being so weak. He had known it ever since Junghan had announced he had gotten a boyfriend after all. And he had thought he had gotten better at handling that thought, at handling the knowledge he had acquired. But apparently there still was  something that hadn’t sunk in well enough; namely that his realisation had come _way too late_ because Junghan. Was. Fucking. Gone. And even if he confessed now, after all those years, the chance that Junghan despised him for it was incredibly high. Because _god yes_ , Junghan had been right after all. _He_ was the only pretender.    
He realised all of that. So why was his heart aching this much?  
_He would have gladly done it for you._  
When he brought his hands to his face, they were welcomed by wetness and he realised he had been crying. Somehow he didn’t even feel ashamed for it anymore.

A bit later, when he had calmed down sufficiently, he grabbed his phone. The thing was lying next to his bed, not turned off, which he knew wasn’t healthy, yet he always did it. He dialled Kazuki’s number, and waited. Calling didn’t feel like that good of an idea to him, because he didn’t know what exactly he wanted to ask the other boy. It wasn’t like he was searching for comfort… or maybe he was. He felt a need to be caressed, to be held, to be told that things were okay, but at the same time he didn’t want that to happen because this was his problem, and he didn’t want anyone else to have to deal with it. But he craved some warmth, to be reassured that this mess wasn’t entirely his fault. _He had always lived for approval after all and he hadn’t ever been able to cope well with feelings of guilt._  
Yet he was afraid too. He felt as if was balancing on an edge, and leaning forward with open arms. The question wasn’t if he would fall, but when. But maybe he had to fall in order to be able to continue living, no matter how contradictory that sounded.

Kazuki told him that he was visiting his family and too busy to talk for long, but that he would be at the bar in the evening. If Joshua really wanted to talk to him, he would have to come over. So he promised he would, even though he was very sure he would regret it later on. They decided they would meet up at 7 pm, when Kazuki’s first shift ended and he would have a break of a demi-hour - _‘And if it’s necessary I can just ask my boss to take the next shift off for this one time!’._ That meant Joshua could wait outside for him, but also that he could enter the pub if he dared to. And somehow he didn’t even feel as opposed to that idea as he had thought he would.

After breaking off the call, he caught a glimpse of the time on the screen of his phone and nearly cursed because he realised his first lecture had already started. Sighing, he dropped his phone next to him on the bed and then decided to just skip all the remaining lectures of the day as well. He wasn’t in the mood to listen and pay attention to anything, anyway. He normally never ever skipped lectures, but somehow… all of that seemed insignificant to him now. It wasn’t like missing a few lectures really mattered. Attendance wasn’t needed and he could always ask his friends.  
The boy sighed and pulled his blanket back over him, hoping to be able to drift back to sleep. On one hand, he was scared of experiencing the same kind of dream again, but at the same time he really, really wanted to see Junghan again. He realised it was a pathetic wish, because after all the Junghan in his dreams wasn’t real.  
But at least that Junghan was truly his.

                                                              ♦

Using a Naver map-app and the address Kazuki had given him, he managed to find the bar in Itaewon[[1]](http://www.asianfanfics.com/story/view/998449/2/d--lires-romance-jisoo-seventeen-joshua-junghan-jihan-jeonghan#_ftn1). It didn’t surprise him to find the bar in _Western Town,_ as it made him recall what his friend had said about foreigners and gay people. Then he shook it off and stepped closer to the bar. There weren’t many people yet, probably because of the early hour, but he couldn’t see Kazuki through the windows. He was a bit too early, so his shift probably wasn’t over yet.

Joshua was wearing a black hoodie and sunglasses, which he knew was a lame disguise, but he didn’t want to risk meeting someone he knew in Itaewon. There was a little alley next to the bar. Hoping it would lead to a backdoor and also that he could wait for Kazuki there, he decided to go that way. It wasn’t dark yet, so he didn’t feel too nervous. He eventually found the back door, but there was someone sitting against the wall next to it, smoking a cigarette. As soon as he saw that, he turned around, ready to go wait somewhere else, but a voice stopped him. ‘Are you looking for someone?’ The question was asked in English, and hence he felt the urge to reply. Turning around again, he said: ‘Uhm yes, I am waiting for Kazuki.’  
The person who had been sitting down had stood up in the meantime. It was a Chinese looking man, probably around 35-40 years old, with his black hair in a little ponytail. He had a stubbly beard and wore a waiter’s uniform. He looked more like a gang member than a waiter though. The man huffed. ‘Orihara, huh? That fake Jap? Are you his newest toy?’  
Joshua felt too stupefied by the man’s words to even think of a reply. When the latter came closer, Joshua instinctively backed away until he accidentally hit the wall with his back. He hadn’t noticed he had gotten so close to it.

‘If you’re Kazuki’s play toy, you’re probably really pretty like the others, aren’t you? Why won’t you take of these glasses?’ The man asked still in English, while getting closer.  
Realising he had gotten in trouble, Joshua looked for a way to escape and blurted out the first thing that came to his mind. ‘Are you… are you drunk?’  
The man shook his head. ‘No. Well, maybe a little. But I’m just curious. Come on, show me that pretty face of yours!’  
Just when Joshua wanted to run away- right was the best side he had decided- he noticed his legs were shaking so much he couldn’t run. Apparently he was more scared than he originally had thought. The man came even closer, until he stood before him and placed his hands against the wall, trapping Joshua between it and his body. _Oh shit._  
He wanted to scream, but on the other side he absolutely didn’t want to turn any attention towards him while he was in a freaking gay district. So he waited, searching for an opening. They were still in the open after all, and Kazuki could be there any moment. It wasn’t like the man could do anything bad to him… or so he hoped.  
‘Take of these glasses and hood, sweetheart,’ demanded the man again, and this time Joshua felt like he had no better choice than to obey and so he did. The man’s face lit up when he saw Joshua’s uncovered head. ‘You really are pretty. That Jap has always had a good taste after all.’  
And then he slowly placed a hand against Joshua’s cheek.

 _In the meantime the hands have started to caress his face in a loving way like he’s some pet that has to be coddled._ _And then all he can see are hands, hands taking the other away from him, dozens of them._

Joshua screamed.

The man backed away, with widened eyes and cursed. ‘What the fuck is wrong with you? I just touched your cheek!’ But Joshua didn’t pay any attention to it anymore and just ran and ran until he had reached the metro station. He sank down on a bench there, pulling up his legs and hiding his head between them. _Well his first time in the gay district went really freaking great._

Without thinking much, he took the first metro back and walked towards his apartment, trying to keep his mind from thinking about what just had happened. It was only when he allowed himself to fall down on his bed, totally exhausted, that he noticed he was crying again. He didn’t even understand why. His earlier overreaction, the way his body was shaking, the tears that were falling down; somehow he didn’t understand himself anymore and he hated it.

And then he thought about Kazuki and sobered up when he realised he had left the other boy waiting at the pub. He took his phone and noticed two missed text messages, one from Kazuki and one from Seungcheol. Seungcheol’s one asked him if he was okay, and why he hadn’t been there in the morning. Kazuki had sent: ‘R u okay? Mike, my co-worker said he saw u but u ran away. Y?’ It was sent in English, and Joshua quickly wondered why and then let it go. He replied with: ‘Your co-worker is an ass. Let’ s talk another time,’ surprising himself with his unusual word choice. He really had the baddest luck with Mike’s. First Junghan’s boyfriend and now Kazuki’s co-worker. It was comical somehow, even he saw that. And he knew Kazuki's colleague had just been drunk, and that he couldn't really judge him because of that one exeperience yet, but he had be frightened and he totally didn't feel like thinking fairly right now.

 _Kazuki to Joshua_  
Yeah he is. We can talk on the phone?  
_Joshua to Seungcheol_  
I didn’t feel very well.  
_Joshua to Kazuki_  
I don’t feel very well, let’s talk tomorrow.  
_Seungcheol to Joshua_  
Do you feel better now? Should I come over?  
_Joshua to Seungcheol_  
I feel better. And you don’t have to.  
_Kazuki to Joshua_  
Did he do something to u?? He didn’t, right? Shit, I’m so sorry.  
_Joshua to Kazuki_  
It’s not your fault. He barely touched my cheek. I overreacted.  
_Kazuki to Joshua_  
I’m so gonna get him fired.  
_Joshua to Kazuki_  
It’s my fault. Don’t bother.  
_Kazuki to Joshua_  
This is not ur fault, idiot! Stop always blaming urself!  
_Kazuki to Joshua_  
The whole staff hates him anyway. I always wanted him gone.  
_Seungcheol to Joshua_  
I'm in café Diem. Do you want to come over? There’s someone I want you to meet.  
_Joshua to Seungcheol_  
A girl? Sorry, I don’t feel in the mood.  
_Seungcheol to Joshua_  
No, not a girl. Please come?  
_Seungcheol to Joshua_  
Or do you still feel bad?  
_Joshua to Seungcheol_  
No, but I’m not really in the mood for partying.  
_Seungcheol to Joshua_  
Just this one time. I really want you to meet him.  
_Joshua to Seungcheol_  
…Fine

The Present

The moment Joshua laid eyes on him again, he was shocked. Then he blamed the alcohol for making The Other appear in broad daylight.  
 

 

 

* * *

 

[[1]](http://www.asianfanfics.com/story/view/998449/2/d--lires-romance-jisoo-seventeen-joshua-junghan-jihan-jeonghan#_ftnref1) I just found out (my previous research was wrong L ) that the humanities building (from Seoul National University)  is 1 u. 19 min (by train) away from Itaewon, while I thought it was closer first. It wouldn’t make sense if Kazuki took the train everyday so uhm just pretend it’s closer now for the sake of the story. It’s fiction after all ehe >\\\< Yes I did research on gay bars in Seoul. Most of them are in Itaewon, which is called Western Town because of the many foreigners. Yet there are some outside of Itaewon too. Since Kazuki can speak English and is considered a foreigner, it would make the most sense for him to work there.

  
Thanks for  reading this long ass thing.

 


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